We're home now and yesterday was really tough. I am really struggling to find the fighter within me. When we first heard that Eli and Landon might face a lot of struggles and might not even make it, I cried. I sobbed really hard for about one day and then I was ready to do whatever it took to take care of them the best I could. It's just different this time. I cry...and then I cry some more...and then I keep crying...and then I can't stop crying. I am just really, really sad.
I'm sad for this little girl. I'm sad for what she is going to have to go through the first days, weeks, and years of her life. I'm sad for what she could possibly face on down the road.
I'm sad for Eli and Landon. Their world is going to be turned upside down and there are going to be days and weeks and possibly months that I won't get to kiss them every single day and make sure they have the happy, carefree life that they deserve.
I'm sad for Dustin who has to deal with everything that I'm dealing with, still go to work every day, and come home to a crazy emotional wife who can't seem to keep it together for any amount of time at all. He is such a good man. He's strong and quiet and tender-hearted and there is nothing he loves more than his children. This is just as heart-breaking for him as it is me.
I'm sad for our parents. They are not only just as worried as we are about the uncertain days ahead with their precious grandchild, but they are also watching their children as we hurt so very deeply. I can say from my limited experience that there is no pain like watching your child struggle.
And I would be lying if I said that I wasn't sad for myself as well. I'm disappointed. I'm broken-hearted. I'm swinging on this crazy pendulum between hope and despair. I'm throwing myself a really big pity-party and I'm only slightly embarrassed about it. I'm sad because this is happening to our little girl and there's nothing we can do about it...except pray.
And we've certainly been doing a lot of that. We pray and we ask others to pray because God cares and prayer works. I can't imagine how lost I would be without that knowledge...it brings me such peace in my saddest moments.
We go back to the doctor on Thursday. We visit my OB/GYN first, then we meet with a pediatric cardiologist, and then we go to Dr. Atkinson (the high risk doctor). We should know a lot more after these visits. We've been writing down our questions for the last week. I'm anxious to get answers, but I'm also a little scared of the answers we'll get. I'm hoping that starting our plan of action on Thursday will be just what I need for a little push in the right direction. Hopefully it will give me something positive to focus on and I'll be able to move on from the way I feel now.
"Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." -Psalm 55:22
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."