The Grigsby Family

Reflections

2011-11-15T17:00:00.000-06:00

Life with three little ones at home is all consuming, especially since two of those no longer nap. It leaves absolutely no time for frivolous things like blogging, which can be a little frustrating at times. Not that I love blogging that much, but sometimes my soul just longs for a few minutes to do anything I want. More on that later...

It was a year ago this month that we found out about Harper's heart defect and that combined with the Thanksgiving holiday approaching has left it ever present on my heart these past couple of weeks. So much has happened since then, but it is still so vivid in my mind that I could swear that it was just last week. I can't help but reflect on the road we've been down and rejoice that the road ahead is wide open and full of promise. This has certainly been a life-altering year for us. You don't go through something like that and come out the other side the same person. And while I can't exactly pinpoint the ways that I have changed, I feel so different from the person I was. It's something about seeing your baby...the baby that you love so intensely with every fiber of your being...go through something so horrific. Your heart is never the same again.

I remember the despair I felt as we learned what exactly we would be facing. I remember thinking that we would never get past this. Because when you are facing something that you've never faced before, something that terrifies you, something you just know you're not strong enough to take, that moment...that struggle, it's totally consuming and you can't imagine life being normal again.

But yet, here I sit, one year later, and it's all just a memory now. God is so very, very good.

The love and generosity of others was so intense and so overwhelming that I could FEEL the arms around us, the hearts aching with us, the prayers for us, the joy and thanksgiving at good news. If you were a part of that - a kind or encouraging word, a hot meal for our family, a simple prayer, a visit, a gift card, snacks at the hospital, financial help, a text, email, comment, or phone call, please know that you have impacted my life in a way I will never forget. It has given me a whole new perspective on how to minister to others and the importance of our Christian family during trials.

We still aren't completely sure of what lies ahead, but we are hopeful that Harper won't need any more major surgery. I would like to think that if, perhaps, Harper requires another surgery, I will be so full of faith and hope that there won't be any room for fear. After all, the Lord has showed me over and over again his love and mercy. But I know myself better than that and when it comes to my babies, my crazy, lunatic side almost always wins. I'm working on it.

In the meantime, Harper is progressing and developing normally (just a little behind schedule, but who cares about that?). She is scooting around in a army crawl type fashion. She's SO close to sitting up on her own. She has two teeth. She's eating cereal and a few vegetables. She's extremely vocal. She's got a ton of personality (super sweet, but a little ornery). Being normal is what we're about now. I love that she's well. I relish in the mundane-ness of our life. And while I would love to forget the past year, I hope I never do. I hope those images of my struggling girl are forever ingrained in my mind so that I never forget the helplessness I felt then and the gratitude I feel now. And most of all, I hope that I can be an encouragement and blessing to someone going through the same thing. For even if nothing else good came of all of this (which it did), I am now in a position to understand and help those who might have to travel down this same road.

So happy November to you and thank you for listening to the ramblings of my heart. We have so very much to be thankful for.

Boring

2011-10-25T15:01:00.000-05:00

Just for the sake of keeping records around here, we went to the doctor last week and here's how big our children are:

Harper
Age: 6 months
Height: 24 inches
Weight: 12 pounds
Head: 16 1/2 centimeters

Eli
Age: 3 years
Height: 38 1/2 inches
Weight: 29 pounds

Landon
Age: 3 years
Height: 38 3/4 inches
Weight: 31 pounds

Here are a few pictures of Eli, Landon, and Harper as they were all playing on the floor together. I love how sweet and gentle (most of the time) Eli and Landon are with Harper. They really love their Popper!

I just love this picture. It cracks me up.

Eli & Landon's 3rd Baseball Party

2011-10-19T22:49:00.000-05:00

Life has been so busy that I haven't even had time to get all sentimental about how my boys turned 3 years old a couple weeks ago. Time really does just speed by and it seems the older I get, the faster it goes. You probably know by now how I love parties. And Eli and Landon have kind of had a rough year...it hasn't exactly been all about them around here lately, which made me want to have a big party even more. They also LOVE baseball, so I thought why not have a big baseball game, grill some hot dogs, eat some cupcakes, and have fun?

So we reserved a baseball field here in town and we had ourselves a party planned. Bonus points for not having to decorate much since it was outside.

side note: it hasn't rained in Snyder in over a year.

It POURED from early in the morning until late at night. And even though I was a little disappointed, we were all much more grateful for the blessing of rain. We need it so desperately.

Because of the rain, we had to move the party indoors and we didn't get to play baseball after all. A sweet friend offered to let us use their "party barn", so that's just what we did.

Basically, the party was high blood pressure, anxiety, and a headache all rolled into a few hours, but I think the boys had a lot of fun with their friends...so much that they are still talking about it. I love that.

Here are a few pictures from the party.

(Can you tell how effective my "no presents necessary" was?) If presents are any indicator of how much a child is loved, my boys are very, very, very loved. And we are so thankful!

Look...I was actually at the party. I'm kind of bummed that we didn't get a family picture, but oh well!

Can I just say that a pinata at a three year old birthday party is NOT a good idea...especially an indoor party. There were some pretty nervous parents in the room at this point.

Grammy, G-Pa, Kristin, Madison, Katelyn, Chip, Eva, Nemo, Papa, Lance, Kathy, Shawn, Cameron, Amy, D'Laney, and Brynna all came from out of town to help us celebrate. It always makes me feel so loved for our family to drive all this way to see us.

Happy Birthday to the sweetest boys this world has ever known! We're two weeks into it and I can officially report that the behavior of three year olds really is worse than two year olds. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. (This is my mantra right now).

Happy Half Birthday Harper!

2011-10-05T07:00:00.000-05:00

Harper is SIX months old today. The magnitude of this is unbelievable. I can't quite grasp that she has been with us for half of a year already and I often find myself wondering what in the world we did without her.

At 6 months, Harper weighs 12 pounds, is finally moving into 3-6 months clothing (although she still fits in most of her 3 month clothes...I'm just so sick of them!), is rolling over from her back to her stomach (finally), takes 2 to 3 naps a day, still gets up a few times in the night to eat, absolutely adores her brothers, is very vocal when she wants attention (not crying, just really loud talking), is in size 1-2 diapers, loves her toy giraffe (Sophie), her glow-worm, and her light wand, eats a little bit of rice cereal twice a day, loves to be laid down in her bed with a blanket and paci for naps, has taken exactly ONE nap in the crib in her room, gives the biggest smiles when you come to get her out of bed, and pretty much spends most of her day smiling and playing.

This past Saturday, Harper and I took our first shopping trip to Lubbock. She did great all day and I had so much fun hanging out with her. We went to the bank, Hobby Lobby, JCPenny, Babies R Us, Sam's Club, and Kohls and Harper did not cry one time. We talked to everyone we saw and I agreed when they told me that she was the most precious thing they've ever seen. She pretty much is. I think the best part of the day was that I just felt so....normal. There is nothing about Harper (other than her small size) that would indicate to people what all she's been though and it's nice to just go on about life so normally now.

Harper really is such a joy and I always find myself wondering or asking Dustin how I got to be so lucky to get to be her mom. She really is something special.

At her last cardiologist appointment, we mentioned that she wasn't using her right arm very much or at all sometimes. This really bothered Dr. Robinson, so he ordered an MRI of her brain, which we had done on Monday. I was hoping to get results Tuesday, but didn't, so hopefully we'll hear something today. I fully expect everything to be fine, but it will be nice to get that confirmation. She did go about 6-8 weeks with a very noticeable lack of movement in her right arm, but has since begun to use it just as much as her left arm, which is a relief. I'll let you know what we find out.

Happy Half Birthday, Popper! Here's hoping that the second half of your first year is MUCH less eventful than the first half!

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

2011-09-16T11:57:00.000-05:00

Alternate Titles:
The Girl Who Cried Surgery
I'm a Complete Lunatic
Did That Really Just Happen?
Biggest Relief Ever (But I'm Still Crazy)

A back-story:

Before Harper was born, we went to see Dr. Robinson (the pediatric cardiologist) several times for fetal echo cardiograms and to discuss our plan of action once Harper was born. You might recall, that it seemed very clear to both Dustin and I that they would wait until Harper was 6 months old to do surgery, but if she absolutely needed something done early on, they would perform the PA band as an intermediate step to hold her over until her big surgery. This was discussed several times and Dustin and I both came away with this understanding.

Fast forward to the time of Harper's birth and all of a sudden they start talking about the big open heart surgery being done between 8-10 weeks. And we were like, "wait a minute, what about the PA Band that you talked about doing? Wasn't that the plan if Harper needed something immediately?"

And Dr. Robinson said, "PA Band???" (shocked and not understanding). And we said, "yeah, the PA Band that we talked about." And all of a sudden that wasn't even an option and Dustin and I left feeling confused and slightly crazy like we had imagined the whole thing.

At least that time I had a witness.

So we go in yesterday. I wasn't really nervous...I'm kind of back into the "let's deal with this" zone instead of the "feel sorry for myself all the time" zone. Harper's oxygen saturation was 100%, she has gained 5 more ounces since last week, and she's looking good. Dr. Robinson comes in to do the echo cardiogram, does it, and then says, "She looks good. She looks happy." (He's always talking about how happy she looks and I want to say, "yeah,, but what about her heart...that's kind of why we're here").

And I was like, "So...(not even knowing how to finish a question I hadn't even started) what are you thinking now about surgery?"

And he said, "Surgery?"

I wanted to scream, "Remember, the surgery you told me she would need last time we came? The time I could barely hold myself together to pay my copay and get out the door at which point I fell apart in my car, picturing my baby going through that again? Six long weeks ago...the six weeks that I've been counting down to come back and check on her? The nights I've cried myself to sleep? The whole conversation about me taking her home and loving her and letting you worry about her heart?"

But I didn't. I just kind of stood there...speechless....feeling like a complete lunatic. I was so confused, trying to make sense of it in my mind. Had I dreamed the whole thing?

And then it hit me....as much as I feel like a lunatic and whatever alternate universe we were in last visit...he is telling me that Harper won't have to have another surgery. (He did leave a small window of possibility open, but made it seem very unlikely). And as crazy and embarrassed and confused as I feel, so very much more, I feel grateful and relieved.

All I can figure is...whatever it is that he saw last time, whatever had him so concerned...he didn't see it this time. And that...is a God thing.

Now I know what you're thinking, "there goes that Amy Grigsby trying to get attention again, blowing things out of proportion." Which is why I wish so very, very badly that someone would have been with me last time. I keep telling Dustin, "Dustin, I promise..." and he just says, "Amy, I totally believe you." Because let's be honest, he doesn't have much of a choice, for regardless of what he really believes, he is required to take my side. For five months now, I have had three children under the age of three and more stress than I was made to endure....I DON'T NEED HELP FEELING CRAZY!

Whatev. I'm okay with being a complete lunatic if it means sweet Popper doesn't have to go through heart surgery again. I'm elated, I'm relieved, and I'm praising God for whatever it is He did to Harper's heart.

Side note: there are some developmental things that Dr. Robinson is concerned about. More than likely, they are related to the heart surgery, but he definitely wants to make sure in the off chance that it is an independent issue, so Harper is scheduled for an MRI the first week in October. I thought it was something we could just skip across the street to the hospital for like an x-ray or blood work, but it turns out she has to be admitted and not eat for 6 hours and all that mess...you'd think I wouldn't still be so naive about medical things.

Side Side Note: So, our eccentric doctor's ways have raised some concerns about if Harper is really in the best hands or not. As crazy as I feel at times, I have nothing but complete confidence in Dr. Robinson. As much bitterness as I have for anyone that makes me feel so incredibly nutso, I have so much more love and respect for him and there hasn't been a single minute that I've questioned his abilities. I have to remember that Harper isn't his only patient....that he's seen hundreds of kids since our last visit....and that he can only base his decisions and outlook each time on what he sees at the time. I don't think he misdiagnosed her last time. I don't think he was wrong or confused. I think that a lot of people have been praying for Harper and now we are able to see very clearly our answered prayers.

No pictures this time because I can't find the blasted camera anywhere. If you saw my house you'd understand. I could lose an elephant in here right now.

Go ahead...leave me lots of comments telling me how dilusional I am. I can take it.

Popper

2011-09-15T00:12:00.000-05:00

This is going to be a totally non-medical update on my sweet girl because sometimes I focus a little too much on her heart and I hate that! Having said that...we are going to the cardiologist today, so a medical update will follow shortly. I'll be praying for a miraculous disappearance of a hole all morning. Care to join me?

Popper is the name Landon has given to Harper and it's pretty much all she gets called anymore. I think it's precious and I'm pretty sure it's going to stick.

Here's what Popper has been up to...

At her Pediatrician appointment last week, Harper was 5 months old, weighed 11 lbs, 1 ounce and was 22.75 inches long. She has now more than doubled her birth weight and she's really starting to fatten up.

Harper and I took a girls' trip to Dallas last weekend to see my family. The boys went to stay with Dustin's parents while Dustin worked on our plumbing all weekend. (There are some very real drawbacks to living in a 100 year old house and old plumbing is definitely one of them.) While in Dallas, we went to the Celina High School football game Friday night and watched Katelyn perform with the Drill Team. (I forgot my memory card, so a cell phone picture will have to do.) Let me just say...I have been to a lot of high school football games in my time, but a Celina High School football game is certainly something to behold. I've never seen anything like the display of school spirit and community that I saw that night. You couldn't find a seat, a place on the fence, or even a roof of a nearby building that was vacant. It was so much fun!

Saturday morning, we got up and headed to Katelyn's volleyball tournament, which lasted until about 4. Then we FINALLY got to go shopping and eat out (my two favorite activities). We got to hang out with Kristin and Madison which is always a blast.

Harper got some good one-on-one time with Grammy

And she got to watch some football with G-Pa.

It was a great weekend....until the drive home. Harper started screaming every time the car started to move, so from Weatherford to Eastland, we had to pull over at about 85% of the exits. It took us almost 8 hours to drive from McKinney to Snyder and every ounce of my energy and patience was completely gone. It wouldn't be quite so stressful if I wasn't concerned about Harper's heart. With every scream, I just pictured the hole in her heart getting bigger and bigger (overdramatic much?). That's probably not how it works, but you certainly can't convince me of that. I was one tense mama! My sweet husband told me to just get a hotel room and he would come get us, but it didn't have to come that that. Harper finally went to sleep and I drove as fast as I could (without endangering us) home. I honestly thought I would never see my home again. I'm never irrational.

Dr. Klepper gave us the go ahead, so Monday night, we started Harper on rice cereal. I thought she would hate it, but she actually likes it very much and has done great! She even slept for 6 straight hours that night. (Hallelujah!) 5 months of up every three hours really starts to effect one's sanity.

If you haven't seen the video of Harper laughing at Eli on facebook, you should check it out. She loves her brothers more than anything. I can make a complete fool of myself trying to get that little darling to laugh and I barely get a grin most days. Eli or Landon can simply walk in the room and she just lights up. What a sweetheart.

Harper is now rolling over from her stomach to her back and has rolled from her back to her stomach once, but clearly that isn't for her because she hasn't done it again. Side note: Harper is a little behind developmentally. I mean...how could she not be? And guess what. She'll probably be even more behind before this is all said and done. I'm so okay with this. I think that surely by the time Harper goes to school, she'll be rolling over...or sitting up....or crawling....etc. And if she's not...that's okay too! Popper gets to do whatever it is that Popper wants to do. (If my ECI friends are reading this, I promise we still challenge her, stretch her, and encourage appropriate movement and development)

Harper has also recently discovered her toes and hangs on for dear life now.

And surely it goes without saying that she's still a complete joy and blessing to everyone that knows her. She's just wonderful like that.

And just because I love 'em more than steak and dr. pepper, here's a picture of all my boys before bedtime. Crawling all over Dustin is their favorite pasttime. (we do wear clothes occasionally.)

Fun at the Frio

2011-09-08T12:54:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago, we took our annual family trip with Dustin's family. Harper had just had a shot the day before which made for a rough drive down, but when we finally got there (at 1 in the morning), we had a great time. Despite the drought here, there was even some water left in the Frio River to swim in. We did what we always do: swim, eat, hang out, play games, watch the kids play, swim some more, eat even more, and relax. We had a great time getting away for a few days!

I love that Cameron and Amy's girls are close in age to our kids!

The tree swing provided hours of entertainment.

The men watched over Harper so I could swim a little too.

Half of the family had already left, but we attempted a group photo anyway.

Kid Update!

2011-08-29T14:21:00.000-05:00

Things are great here! But this blog is seriously lacking in trivial details of my children and our life as it is right now, so I’m going to do something about that. I haven’t written about Eli and Landon much over the last few months and they have grown and changed so much!

Landon is still my tender-hearted little man, but he can be so very stubborn at times. He can be the life of the party, but he also likes to just go off by himself and play too. He’ll dig in the dirt for hours all by himself.

Eli is still pretty mischievous and he’s quite the smart-alec at times, but he has turned into one of the most affectionate kids I’ve ever known. He comes up to me several times a day and says, “mom-mom (that’s what he calls me now), I love you so much.” If that doesn’t almost bring a mom to tears, I don’t know what would. While I’m sure that Eli is totally genuine in his love, he has learned how to use that line at just the right moment to avoid getting in trouble. He’s no dummy!

Eli and Landon have recently learned all of their letters. Dustin works with them every night before bed and they have picked up the alphabet SO quickly with him. They also can count to 10 and know all of their shapes and colors. I know these aren’t earth-shattering accomplishments, but I’m happy that they enjoy learning. We started back to story-time this morning at the library. It’s nice to get back to a routine and get out of the house for activities.

Both boys are great eaters, LOVE to read, adore Harper, can play by themselves just as well as they can play together, and are finally doing better with potty training. We took a couple huge steps backwards when Harper was born. They would come home and we’d get back on track, only to have to have to be away from home again. I could certainly write a book on what NOT to do. Oh well…not much about their life has been normal lately, so I can’t really blame them.

Harper continues to be the sweetest baby I’ve ever known. She smiles and laughs and “talks” all day long. She is doing great with her feedings and is taking even more than the doctor wants her to. She’s gaining weight and at her last checkup she weighed right at 10 pounds. That has been almost a month ago, so I’m sure she’s much more than that now. Trying not to think about the surgery looming in our future has been a failed mission for me. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. There isn’t a time that I see her scars that I don’t wish we didn’t have to do it again. I think I’m anxious mostly because I have SO many questions that I didn’t have the composure to ask last time and I’m really ready to go back and get some details now. This has been the longest period of time that we’ve gone without seeing Dr. Robinson. He warned me that I would go into withdrawals and it’s true. My world doesn’t quite feel balanced without weekly trips to the cardiologist.

If Harper's head looks crooked, it's because it is (she's getting help from our friends at ECI to correct it with some therapy. They are also monitoring her development.) If one eye looks bigger than the other, it's because it is (She had some possible nerve damage during heart surgery).

So that's what these kids are up to. As for me...well, I have three children under three. I stay pretty busy (and crazy)! There are days that I feel really on top of things around here, but there are many more days that I feel totally out of control. The time is flying by and I know it won't be like this for long. I better enjoy the chaos while I have it!

Thanks for checking in on us. I hope your life is not nearly as crazy as mine...but just as blessed :)

Too Much Fun and Too Many Pictures

2011-08-16T14:13:00.000-05:00

Dustin now gets one Friday off every month (isn't that fabulous?), so his first long weekend, we took our first family trip to Dallas to see my family. We haven't all been there since Thanksgiving and it was great to all be together again! There are so many pictures, so I'll just keep the commentary to a minimum.

Friday night we went to watch the Frisco Rough Riders play baseball. This was Eli, Landon, and Harper's first big baseball game and they all did great!

Harper hung out with Grammy most of the time.

The boys had to eat a ballpark hot dog, of course!

Nathan, I told you I would exploit you on my blog! Kristin and Nathan had way too much fun.

Unfortunately, Madison did not.

Harper slept most of the night. Don't ask me how...it was 105 degrees out there. She's a sweetheart.

The boys got their first taste of cotton candy. They liked it :)

Kristin and Nathan were asked to be in the Human Dot Race. It's basically a three legged race. They tripped the team behind them and came in for the win. All's fair in love and the Human Dot Race I guess.

The boys swam all day Saturday while the girls all went shopping. I forgot how good shopping is for the soul. It has been way too long.

Saturday night, the whole family came over for a big dinner to celebrate the June/July birthdays. AJ and Dani were in town and the boys had a great time playing with them.

As if things couldn't get any better, Eva (who happens to be an honorary member of the family) came for the weekend.

Grandpa helped the boys out with their swing.

And they practiced it on Uncle Andrew.

Dustin made the boys a tent out of the pool table, so they slept in there.

We worshipped with the sweet congregation at Stonebrook church of Christ in Frisco. It was so good to be with them and introduce Harper to so many who have prayed for her.

Then we headed home to swim a little more before we got on the road. I just can't take Landon seriously in these goggles.

The boys are in no way scared of the water. They love to jump in the pool and spend most of their time under water. The way they jump in is hysterical...it pretty much amounts to a belly flop.

Harper and Kristin were content to watch from the sidelines.

It was so nice to get away and go somewhere for the weekend. And it doesn't hurt that Mom and Mike have a pool and live five minutes from the outlet mall! Most of all, it was so good to see all of our family and catch up with everyone. We have kind of been consumed with our own little world these last few months and it felt so good just have a good time together.

Broken Hearts

2011-08-14T15:42:00.001-05:00

I haven't updated you all on Harper lately...mostly because there wasn't much to say. Things were going well, we were loving our new, normal life, and Harper's appointments had shown no changes to her heart.

Until two Thursdays ago.

We saw Dr. Robinson on the 4th and while doing an echo cardiogram, he found some less than desirable things going on with Harper's heart.

We knew at the time of Harper's surgery, that considering how complicated things ended up being, the surgery went extremely well. But it didn't go perfectly. Harper still had a hole in her heart, the exact size unknown at the time.

At her appointment several weeks ago, the hole measured 2.2 mm and Dr. Robinson still mentioned the possibility of it closing up on its own.

Unfortunately, at her appointment on Thursday, we discovered that the hole now measures 3 mm and there is increased blood flow and pressure through it. The possibility of this hole fixing itself is....well it's gone.

Her heart is still broken and now...so is mine.

What this means for Harper is that she will most likely need to have the exact same surgery again. I was so optimistic, so hopeful, so sure that we were past all of this. We knew this was a possibility, but I hadn't even entertained the thought of it actually happening and I'm having an extremely hard time coming to terms with this.

The first few days after finding out, I felt frustrated, sad, angry, and scared. We could have lost Harper the first time and I'm terrified of facing that again. Most of all, I don't want Harper to have to do this again. It just doesn't seem fair.

I don't know any specifics. I couldn't even muster up the courage to ask any questions on Thursday. Dr. Robinson in his gentle, compassionate, but straight-forward way told me to go home and love my baby, enjoy her, and let him worry about her heart for now. And while that seems like a ridiculous request and I won't be able to follow those instructions completely, I intend to try.

I feel like I've been cheated out of so much time with Harper already. I can't let myself be consumed with worry or stress about this because it's just allowing the situation to control me and it's not fair. It's not fair to Eli and Landon, to Dustin, to Harper, or to myself.

I really hesitated to even tell anyone because I don't want this to define us like it has for so long. I want so badly for things to be okay...for Harper to be well, that sometimes I just have to pretend that it is (yes, I realize that this is called denial and I'm okay with that.)

There is a small chance that she won't have to have surgery, but I can't even let myself hope for that. The disappointment just hurts too badly and to protect myself, I just have to prepare to face this surgery again.

My poor, sweet Harper. She's the most precious little thing in the world. I don't understand why this is happening to her, but one day, she's going to be amazed at how strong and brave she was, even as a tiny baby.

We pray that the conditions for surgery are perfect, that when the time comes, they will be able to close this hole up once and for all, for peace and understanding as we face this situation again, for Harper's continued strength and ability to fight, and for God to be glorified as He has certainly accomplished great things on such a little body. May He continue to bless us and watch over Harper in the coming months.

We will see Dr. Robinson again mid-September and I already have a lengthy list of questions for him. I am anxious to get answers and clarification as well as see what changes there have been to her heart.

We have gotten through this once and we will get through it again, but not without the help and prayers of our friends and family. This past year has been a huge lesson in dependence (among other things), but with that dependence on others has come the assurance that I am never alone in my struggles and for that I am so very grateful.

A Family Visit

2011-08-08T22:00:00.000-05:00

Harper had still not met many of Dustin's family members, so we had a little cookout a few weeks ago and invited a few people over to meet this sweet girl. Here are some pictures from that night as well as a few random pictures of Eli, Landon, and Harper. I don't have a lot of time for blogging, so I'll try to at least get pictures up every now and then.

Back in Time

2011-08-02T22:20:00.000-05:00

I have SO much to write about here. We've been super busy since we entered the world as a family of five. I'm going to attempt to catch up on our life here. I blog to keep our friends and family up to date on our life and also to share pictures of my sweet kids, but I mostly blog for myself...to preserve some of these memories. I read and reread this blog SO often and I love looking back over the last few years and reading things that I have already forgotten.

So here we go.

Kristin and Madison came to visit us a few weeks ago. We had a great time visiting, cooking/eating, playing outside, swimming, and just being together. Here are some pictures from their stay:

Some attempts at a family picture:

The kids:

Sisters really are the greatest. I love how much I laugh around Kristin, how I can tell her anything, and how she just gets me most of the time. I'm so glad that Kristin and Madison came to join our chaos for a week....it was wonderful!

Thanks for checking in on us! My posts are going to certainly be less than riveting. I'm loving our boring, normal life and it is my hope that we continue to be so boring that you all lose complete interest in us :)

Coming up very soon: a recap of our first family trip, an update on Eli, Landon, and Harper, and pictures from a visit from Kathryn and Audrey.

No News Is Good News

2011-07-07T21:18:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know it's been a while. Time flies when....your life is complete chaos. My children and home take exactly 100% of my time and energy these days and even then, I still can't seem to stay on top of things around here. At any given time, something has to be sacrificed for the sake of survival. But things are so, so good.

Harper is doing wonderful! At her appointment last Tuesday, Dr. Robinson told us that she was ready to "go run and play." We were thrilled to hear that she has recovered so beautifully and we were also excited to hear that we can resume life as a normal family....even leaving the house together (gasp!).

Here is Harper with Dr. Robinson. I have a special place in my heart for this man because he has taken such good care of Harper these past few months. He is very gentle, very understanding, and very concerned for his patients.

So upon getting released from house arrest, we immediately attended a swim party for two of our little friends at church. Unfortunately, these are the only pictures I got. Eli and Landon sure enjoyed themselves!

Eli and Landon have gotten to do a lot of swimming lately, thanks to some sweet friends at church. Here they are anxiously awaiting Rance and Alissa, who picked them up to go to the splash pad.

Harper is an absolute joy. That is just all there is to it. The latest news on Harper is that she is finally rid of the feeding tube. She isn't doing stellar, but she is at least taking the bare minimum she needs to by mouth. I'm ready to go back to the doctor and she how much she weighs tomorrow. I hope she's getting enough calories to start gaining some weight!

We finally got to go to church together as a family. Harper got to meet so many people who have been praying for her and it was fun to finally show her to the world.

Harper also got to experience her first two fireworks displays. She slept through both of them!

We had SO much fun on the fourth of July. Ross and D'Ann invited us to be in the parade with them. It was our first time to even attend the parade and I wasn't quite prepared for what was in store for us. Most of the town is IN the parade. There are really no requirements...it's a free for all. Scooters, golf carts, go carts, Gators, horses, tractors, lawn mowers...if it is a mode of transportation, it was probably represented in Snyder's big parade.

We had a good time decorating the Gator and we had an even better time riding, waving, and throwing candy.

A BIG thank you to Ross and D'Ann for sharing all of the fun with us!

So that's what we've been up to. I have good intentions of writing and sharing things here. Eli and Landon do so many funny things these days and there is so much I want to remember...there just aren't enough hours in the day.

My new mission is to get one family picture. We haven't taken even one snapshot of the five of us together since Harper was born and I'm quite distraught about it. We'll work on that and maybe I can share that with you soon.

Happy at Home!

2011-06-25T00:26:00.001-05:00

Harper had a pretty rough week and a lot has happened, which is why (once again) we have been so negligent of the blog.

Sunday and Monday were pretty rough days and nights for Harper (and us). Harper seemed to be in pain, was really fussy, and didn't rest well. She wasn't on any scheduled pain medications, so we had to request pain meds for her if we felt like she needed them. My opinion was that we just stay on top of the pain and keep her comfortable, but the nurses were very reluctant to give her anything. It was a constant struggle and they made us feel irresponsible or overreactive if we asked for Tylenol for Harper. It was quite frustrating. In addition to that, Harper didn't sleep much at all at night, making for long nights for Dustin or I, whoever was staying with her that night. On top of that, we had mostly nursing students the last few days who couldn't answer many of our questions and were altogether ineperienced. I know they can't help it and everyone has to start somewhere, but for extremely tired parents whose baby is upset and seemingly in pain most of the time, it was just too much at times. I'm embarrassed to admit that I can be a pretty intolerant person at times and when it comes to my babies...I have no patience for incompetence.

Dr. Robinson mentioned us going home on Tuesday, so when Tuesday arrived, we were anxious to hear from him. He finally came to see us after lunch and wrote the orders for discharge. Harper was definitely not herself still, but she was doing well enough for us to take her home and continue working on her feedings there (she still wasn't eating anything by mouth).

We had a rough night on Tuesday and through the night I noticed that Harper hadn't had a wet diaper, which is quite strange for her. Wednesday morning came and went and still no wet diaper. I finally called Dr. Robinson after lunch when it had been over 12 hours since her last wet diaper. He was concerned, but said he couldn't imagine her having a kidney problem since they had checked her kidney function no less than 30 times over the last 10 days. We also knew that she wasn't dehydrated since we are still tube feeding and know exactly how much fluid she is taking in. At 6:00 p.m. Harper still hadn't peed and I was pretty concerned. I called Dr. Robinson again to let him know. We had an appointment with him on Thursday anyway, so he said to just come in first thing in the morning. At 7:00 p.m., after 20 hours, Harper finally had a wet diaper. It was only a little, but it was a relief. Dr. Robinson called us at 10:00 that night to check on her and was happy to hear the good news. I know this is way too much information, but it's relevant to the next day, so stick with me here :)

Wednesday was rough in other areas as well...Harper cried a lot, still acted like she was in pain, was having reflux issues, and just didn't seem right. We took shifts that night so we both got at least a little sleep (Dustin got way less because he's too sweet and let me sleep).

We spent all day Thursday at Dr. Robinson's office. He did an EKG, echo cardiogram, blood tests, and x-rays to figure out what was going on with Harper. He also kept us there all day to observe her. She seemed to get better throughout the day and all of her labs came back normal, so that was a relief. Her heart looked good as well, so he discontinued one of her medications and reduced the amount of her blood pressure medicine. He offered to keep her in the hospital to observe her longer and he even offered to take us home with us (although he didn't know how his wife would feel about that), but we just opted for going home and keeping an eye on her there, knowing we can call him at any time.

Today has been SO much better. Harper was totally exhausted after our full day yesterday and slept all through the night. It was the first time she has really slept well since her surgery. She has been her happy, smiley self all day and hasn't cried much at all. It is such a huge difference from the past few days. We are so relieved. Relieved that she is obviously feeling better and relieved that she didn't have a big personality change as a result of all of this (which we were beginning to be afraid of). Hopefully we've turned a corner with her recovery and she'll continue to get stronger and feel better each day.

I'm sure you'll notice in the pictures that we are still tube feeding. We could have stayed in the hospital and waited for her to eat there, but that seemed kind of silly. So, we are working on it at home and letting her go at her own pace. She's been doing better today, so I'm hopeful that she'll be taking all of her feedings by mouth very soon.

So that's what we've been up to. I'm thankful that Harper is feeling better, because Eli and Landon are coming home tomorrow. I am over the top excited to hug those boy and bring them home with me for good this time. I'm ready to get back to the business of being a family.

It's way too late, so that's all for now. Thank you for checking in on us. We are very happily at home with our sweet girl and her fixed heart (at least for now that is). Life is so good!

Hospital Days 5 & 6

2011-06-19T13:31:00.001-05:00

It is so much easier to blog when I have great things to share about Harper's recovery and progress, but part of the reason you haven't heard from us in a while is because we've had a rough couple of days.

Thursday morning, Harper had an echo cardiogram done. Dr. Harrell was in the room and after looking at the patch area, he determined that the leak in the patch (which we knew about immediately after surgery) was about 2.5 mm. Of course, we asked him what that meant and if he was concerned. He said that he didn't want to minimize the situation because basically it means that Harper still has a hole in her heart, but it is small enough that they don't worry too much about it. A hole that small should close up on it's own and not be a problem as Harper's heart grows.

So, we felt okay about it and we were relieved that even though it wasn't a perfect outcome, the residual hole is small enough to manage with medicine for now and it should close up over time.

Unfortunately, after Dr. Robinson studied the echo a little more, he determined that the hole/leak was more like 4 to 5 mm in size. This is a big difference. Dr. Harrell talked to us about it Friday morning and said that normally, they would do something about a hole this big, but because the surgery was so incredibly difficult the first time and he hardly had enough tissue to sew the patch into, he doesn't feel that there is any way he could come out of another surgery with a better outcome at this time. He wants to wait about a year until some scar tissue can build up and then go back in and do another repair. In the meantime, we manage Harper's symptoms with medication.

This news was really hard to take. Our hopes of Harper's heart being all better are gone for now. I spent most of the day just mourning the loss of the expectations I had to leave here for the last time with a good heart for Harper. I also just feel sorry for my sweet baby who would have to go through this again...and struggle a little in the meantime. In addition to that, I just didn't know what this all meant for us. Will we have to continue tube-feeding? Will she still need her monitor? Will we still not be able to leave our house? A year seems like a really long time.

It was a really, really hard day.

But yesterday morning, Dr. Robinson came and talked to Dustin for the first time since the echo had been done. He was able to explain it a little better from a cardiologist standpoint rather than the views of the surgeon, who doesn't necessarily deal with the clinical/medical management side of things.

Dr. Robinson said that they aren't exactly sure how big the hole is, but it's somewhere between 3-5 mm. Dr. Robinson is a little more optimistic that she may not need surgery down the road. He is hopeful that the hole can be managed medically for now and as she grows, it will be less of a problem for Harper and won't need to be addressed surgically. Unlike the original hole that grew with Harper's heart, this hole/leak will stay the same size as Harper's heart grows bigger around it. That fact, combined with the possibility of scar tissue building up and making the hole even smaller, could mean that Harper won't need anything done in the future. In the meantime, he doesn't feel like Harper's symptoms will be very bad. He feels like she should definitely be able to eat on her own and we can continue on the medication she was on before surgery to keep the fluid off her lungs and help her heart beat the most efficiently. Considering what Harper was working with before surgery, her heart has been improved tremendously.

So, it's more waiting...more not knowing...and more praying. We were definitely encouraged after talking with Dr. Robinson.

I want so badly to understand this...to know why this precious girl has to go through all of this. I can't help but think that these trials are meant to teach me some lesson....some lesson I didn't learn the first time with Eli and Landon. Dependence, prayer, hope, faith, strength...one or all of these things that I must be lacking.

But I know better. I know that while I may be strengthened in some way as a result of this, it's just something that happened. Even though I was hoping so badly that we could be done with all of this, I have faith that God has protected Harper thus far and He will continue to be with us while we wait to see just how this leak in Harper's heart will effect things in the future.

In addition to these things, Harper has had a rough couple of days. She is in more pain and since they took her last IV out, she can't have morphine. She is only on tylenol and it doesn't seem to be doing the trick. It is just awful to sit here and watch her be this uncomfortable. I would rather have ten times her pain than to sit and watch her be in any pain at all. They keep trying to convince us that she shouldn't be in any pain at this point, but I'm not buying it. There is definitely something wrong with my usually happy girl.

Hopefully we'll get past this part of the recovery process quickly and she can be a little more comfortable. She has had all of her chest tubes taken out, all of her IV lines taken out, and her pacing wires removed. She just has all of her exterior monitoring leads, a feeding tube, and she's still on just a whiff of oxygen that we can't seem to get her weaned from.

There is talk of us going home mid-week, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I want to make sure we know exactly what Harper's body is going to do in reaction to her heart before we leave here. Although...it seems like we've gone from the best of the best nurses to the most inexperienced nurses and that is frustrating and making me long for home. I personally think I make a pretty good nurse for Harper and no matter what it is that she ends up needing, I consider it a privilege to be the one who gets to do it for her. She's a real sweetheart.

Here she is at this very moment...finally resting after being up most of the last 24 hours. I just can't wait until she feels better. This is sure tough on a momma.

Hospital Days 3 & 4

2011-06-16T22:15:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of updates yesterday. So much has happened, so we'll try to get caught up.

I wasn't allowed to stay the night with Harper Tuesday night, which I was pretty sad about. They don't want parents staying until 24 hours after extubation and since Harper had just gone off the ventilator that morning, I had to leave her. We got here Wednesday morning and Harper had been off the pacemaker for an hour and a half already. We were beyond thrilled. Dr. Robinson had just told Dustin the day before that he was about 95% certain that she would have to have a permanent pacemaker put in. He was VERY shocked when he took her off and her heart took right over. Dr. Harrell came in about 10 a.m., figured out that she was out of heart block, and literally did a happy dance...as in he actually danced all over Harper's hospital room. I'm relieved, for Harper's sake, that she won't have to deal with that for the rest of her life. And more immediately, I'm thankful that they don't have to open her back up this week.

Since she's been off the pacemaker, she's had a little harder time eating. She did really well Tuesday night and part of Wednesday, but by Wednesday afternoon, we were having to force her milk down and it was really wearing on all of us. She didn't have a great night (eating wise) last night, so this morning, they went ahead and dropped a feeding tube so that we make sure she's getting everything she needs. We offer her the bottle and when she's done, we just put the rest down her tube...just like we were doing before surgery. I know she's just weak and needs to build up some strength.

This morning, Harper had two of the three tubes coming out of her chest removed. This is a huge relief for her and for me...I almost couldn't stand to see those things pulling on her skin. It looked SO painful. They left one drainage tube in around her heart and will probably take that out tomorrow. Since she got those tubes out, I could finally hold her. You can't imagine how it felt to hold her in my arms again. I missed her so, so much.

Harper had an echo cardiogram done this morning and although we haven't had a chance to discuss the results with Dr. Robinson, we do know that there is a small leak in the patch between the lower two chambers of her heart. Keep in mind that this hole and the patch material are HUGE and Dr. Harrell had a lot of difficulty sewing the patch in. He even had to do some stitches completely blind because of where the hole was located. The leak is small enough that we can manage it medically for right now, and it should eventually close up on it's own.

While Dustin was holding Harper today, he noticed that one eye was dialated more than the other and her eyes were just altogether looking strange. Because this can be an indicator of pressure on the brain, the doctor ordered a head ultrasound to check for bleeding. This was done and everything looked normal, so we are thankful for that. We'll just keep a close watch on her eyes.

Other than those things...we've just been hanging out and sitting by Harper's bed.

All of a sudden last night, it just seemed like Harper was herself again. It was so weird....one minute she was spaced out, groggy, and quite sad looking, and the next thing I know, she's wide awake, alert, and making facial expressions that are so "Harper." It's so wonderful to have her back!

So all in all, the last two days have been great for Harper! She's made a ton of progress and Dr. Harrell said she was right on track and even a little ahead for her recovery. I think she's done great. She is certainly a tough little thing!

A Post From Dustin

2011-06-15T00:01:00.000-05:00

This was my sweet baby girl this morning.

This was her this afternoon.

This is her this evening.

As you can see she has made a great deal of progress in what has really been twelve hours. She is now off the ventilator, has had two of her large IV tubes removed, is on about half the medications and is eating better now than she did before she had surgery. She eats one ounce every three hours.

This morning her face was extremely swollen and she was still heavily sedated. You can't help but feel overwhelmed by the road ahead, but as the day progressed tubes, wires, medication pumps and IVs began to disappear, and my little girl started looking more like she did just a couple of days ago. However, she is better than she was a couple of days ago. She can eat on her own and she breathes some much better despite have had open heart surgery just a day ago.

The doctors are very happy with her recovery and how her heart is functioning. The next few days we will learn more about just how successful the surgery was. There could be leakage around the patches and other parts that were cut open to perform the surgery. An echo cardiogram will be done in the next couple of days to make sure that there is not any or at least very little leakage. Also she is on a temporary pacemaker at the moment and will be until the swelling in the heart goes down... hopefully.

In a surgery like Harper's there is a chance that the conduction path can be damaged, which is part of the system that tells your heart how to beat in the proper sequence. If the conduction path has been damaged, Harper will need to have a permanent pacemaker for the rest of her life. Of course this is something that we don't want for Harper, but if this is something we have to deal with it is much better than having a one chamber heart or having to go through multiple surgeries to get less than what we have now. If a pacemaker is what the good Lord has given us than we will be happy with that because it could be so much worse. The pacemaker will be inside Harper and will have to be changed out very five years or so. She will be able to live a normal life, except she will not be able play full contact sports. So I guess my dreams of my daughter being the first girl to make the All-State team in football have been crushed. Oh well, you can't have everything.

We are definitely on the upward swing and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. After the surgery yesterday the surgeon pulled Amy and I aside along with our parents to tell us how the surgery went. As he was telling us of all the difficulties they had and just how defected Harper's heart was it felt like a tidal wave hit me. I understood everything he said but it was just overwhelming. I found my self struggling to keep my self together. It was strange, he assured us that the surgery was successful but I could help from feeling helpless. I guess the months of waiting, preparing, anticipating, and dreading this very moment were all falling down around my weary soul. As we came back into the waiting room which was filled with our family and friends, I tried to explain to everyone what the doctor just told us. I got a few words out and broke down. Thankfully Eddie was there to help explain to everyone what was said. Why I'm telling all this I'm not sure, but maybe to say that you don't know how much stress you are under until your are not under anymore and that I think I understand Rom 8:26 a little bit better.

Thank you all for all that you done for us. I want to thank everyone who sat with us during Harper's surgery and all those who have stopped by to visit. Our prayers have been and still are being answered because our Father is merciful and full of compassion. Praise Him!

Hospital Day 2

2011-06-14T13:46:00.000-05:00

Things have calmed down quite a bit and Harper is doing really well. She was pretty heavily sedated all day yesterday and last night, but they stopped those drugs this morning to allow her to wake up a little and get off the ventilator. They came in about 30 minutes ago and took out the breathing tube, so Harper is breathing all on her own now. She is on a high-flow nasal cannula for a little extra help and they'll move her down to a low-flow when she's ready.

Harper is currently in heart block, meaning the natural rhythm of her heart hasn't returned. This is totally normal and expected right after surgery, but we just hope it comes back. It is a possibility that part of the electrical part of her heart was damaged during surgery...something that just couldn't be helped. They will give her some time (up to a week from what I understand) for her heart to start firing correctly, but if it doesn't come back, she will have a permanent pace-maker put in place. This won't effect too much, but it will be something that has to be maintained for the rest of her life. I will be happy to maintain a pace-maker if that is the only lasting consequence from all of this.

Side note: I try to understand/explain things the best I can, but I'm only a stressed out momma with no medical training, so most of what I say is probably flawed.

The next few days will be all about getting rid of things. The ventilator, IV lines, chest tubes, medications, pace-maker, catheter, etc... The more Harper's body can do on its own, the better.

Dustin and I are doing well. I can't exactly explain the relief it is to know this is behind us. We have just been so very, very blessed.

Pictures from yesterday were pretty graphic, but here's one today that's a little easier to handle:

Thank you for being part of the healing of Harper's heart through your constant prayers and encouragement to us. We don't even have a way to express just how thankful we are.

Praise God!

2011-06-13T15:10:00.000-05:00

We are anxiously awaiting a nurse to come get us to take us to see Harper, but in the meantime...I'll give you the short story.

Harper's heart was much more deformed than we originally thought and in such a way that it didn't show up on the echo cardiograms. She was basically missing the middle part of her heart. But there was just enough tissue to patch the hole that we knew about and another hole that we didn't know was there. Dr. Harrell says of the thousands of VSD repairs that he's done in his career, this was one of the most difficult.

It didn't change anything...she still got exactly the surgery that she needed, but had we known the full extent of what was wrong, the outlook might not have been so great. I'm just glad I got this information on the other side of surgery after everything was fine.

The next few days are critical for Harper, but right now, she is stable and doing well. They just moved her to the Pediatric ICU and we'll be able to go see her very soon. I know it will be so very hard to see her like she is, but I can't wait to lay my eyes on that sweet, sweet baby. I've missed her so very much today.

I am so thankful. So relieved. So exhausted. So ready to sit with my baby and tell her how much we love her.

I expect to be a little more out-of-touch the next few days, but I promise to try to write a little something.

We praise God. His love and mercy is unending.

2011-06-13T09:27:00.000-05:00

I've been dreading this day since late November when we found out we'd be here someday. This morning was really rough for me, but now that surgery is underway, I'm just looking forward to helping Harper recover and getting this all behind us. We've been in constant prayer this morning...praying for Harper's comfort and strength, praying for the doctors and nurses who are taking care of her, praying for no complications, and praying that the repair goes well so that we won't find ourselves back in this situation again. May God receive the glory for the care He has taken of Harper and our family.

We got to Lubbock yesterday evening and just spent the night staring at Harper. It was nice to have this time with no mouths to feed, no laundry to do, no more preparations to make, just time to sit with no distractions and enjoy our baby girl.

We've been here since 6:00 this morning and they took Harper back at 7:30. We just got a phone call at 9:00 saying that they've opened Harper up and that portion of the surgery went well. We won't hear anything for several hours, so we just continue to wait. 18 people are here who love us and Harper dearly and it is a huge encouragement and help.

We thank you so much for the texts, comments, and emails letting us know you are thinking of us and praying for Harper today. I'll try to update as we hear more.

Change Of Plans

2011-06-11T22:11:00.000-05:00

I just have a minute (actually, I really don't even have that), but I wanted to let you know that Harper's surgery has been changed to Monday morning. We have to be there at 6:00 a.m. and the surgery should start between 7:00 and 7:30. I've been busy packing for us all and getting things in order to be gone for the next two weeks. Although, I'm so hopelessly in love with this baby girl that I can hardly put her down to get anything done.

We are heading to Lubbock tomorrow and should have a little down-time once we get there, so I hope to write more then.

The closer it gets, the harder it is to hold back tears every time I think about it. I'm just trying to focus on the fact that it will all be over very soon and Harper will feel SO much better.

Our constant prayer is for God's protection of our sweet baby Harper.

Thank you for your prayers for our family.

F.A.Q.

2011-06-08T01:49:00.000-05:00

Harper's appointment went really well today. She gained 3 ounces and now weighs 8 pounds, 4 ounces. After an EKG and Echo Cardiogram, Dr. Robinson determined that there have been no changes to her heart. We are scheduled for surgery next Tuesday. Dr. Robinson thinks she looks great and is very optimistic that the surgery will go well. We meet with Dr. Harrell, the surgeon, on Thursday.

When I get a chance to talk to people, most have a lot of questions about Harper and our life right now taking care of her. I thought I would answer some of the most frequent questions here in case any of you are wondering as well.

*What caused Harper's heart defect?
     -We don't know. Congenital heart defects are the most common type of major birth defect and in most cases, it is impossible to find out just exactly what went wrong.

* I've noticed that Harper doesn't have her tube in some pictures, do you take it out for every feeding?
     - No...we don't normally take the tube out between feedings. Occasionally, Harper will pull the tube out or we will remove it to give her a little break from it and switch it to the other side. I try to always take pictures when she doesn't have her tube in because I think she's extra beautiful without that thing.

* What if the tube comes out?
     -We put it back in. This was the one thing that scared me the most when we first left the hospital, but it really is no big deal now. It has come out more times than I can count and it no longer gives me any anxiety when having to replace it.

* How does Harper get her food?
     -I pump the milk, mix it with a high calorie formula called Human Milk Fortifier, we put the milk into a feeding bag that is attached to a pump, we set the rate we want the milk to go in at and the amount of milk we want her to receive, hook the pump tubing up to Harper's NG tube, and then hit the start button. We do this every three hours around the clock.

* When is Harper's surgery?
     - Harper will be having surgery the morning of Tuesday, June 14th.

* How long will the surgery last?
     -The surgery is expected to last between 4-6 hours. Harper will be on the heart/lung machine for two of those hours, which will be the riskiest and most critical part of the surgery.

* What are the risks of surgery?
     -Possible complications range from infection, brain damage, damage to any of her organs, death, and everything in between there. But...Dr. Robinson is very confident that everything will go well and says that 95% of kids do great with this surgery.

* How long will Harper be in the hospital?
     -If everything goes as expected, we should be in the hospital between 7-10 days.

* Will you be able to stay at the Ronald McDonald House again?
     -Yes, we hope so. We are currently on the waiting list for a room starting next Monday. However, Harper will have her own room at the hospital this time, so at least one of us will be there with her at all times.

Side note: if you feel so inclined, drop some change in the Ronald McDonald House box next time you drive through McDonalds. It really is SUCH a great work that they do.

* Will Harper have to have more surgeries later on in life?
     -If everything goes well, this should be the only surgery she will ever have to have. Her heart will be "fixed" and she will be able to lead a completely normal and active life.

*Will y'all be having more babies?
     -I'm not sure when a family's reproduction decisions became open for discussion, but surprisingly enough, we have been asked this A LOT. So for the sake of full disclosure and at the risk of embarrassing our families...I'll answer it.

Quite simply...we don't know. Obviously we are not planning on adding to our family any time in the forseeable (or even unforseeable) future. Immediately after giving birth and right in the middle of major health issues isn't exactly the time to be deciding on things of this nature. Dustin and I both LOVE babies...especially ours. I would love to have a big family, but my last two pregnancies leave me hesitant to say the least (terrified is more like it). My doctors feel, with much confidence, that the problems with my two pregnancies were not at all related and they would not discourage us from future pregnancies. (I'm just wondering if they look at me as job security...ha)

We are extremely thankful for the three children we have been blessed with and for now, I feel like our family is just perfect. We'll see what the (far off) future holds for us.

* How do you do it?
     -I get this question a lot and I'm not exactly sure how to answer it. You just do what you have to do when it comes to your kids and really...it's no big deal. Maybe Harper requires a little extra care than most babies, but it's certainly not a burden. We have a lot of people that love us and have been a tremendous help to us. My kids watch more t.v. than I would like, they eat more processed foods than I would like, I get less sleep than I would like, my house is not as clean as I would like, I drink more coke than I should, I can't remember the last real conversation I had with Dustin, Harper spends more time in her swing than I would like, Eli and Landon get less attention that I would like to give them. But we're all home together and I'm extremely grateful for that!

*What can we do to help?
     -We appreciate so much all of the offers to help. Members of the church here have been a tremendous help by going with me to doctor appointments, keeping Eli and Landon, cooking us outstanding meals every week, and helping us financially. We are so truly blessed to be a part of this congregation. Our physical needs have been very well met. So, we just ask that you continue to pray for Harper over the next few weeks. We won't make it through this time without the love, mercy, strength, and peace that only God can provide.

What are some other questions you have?

Two Weeks

2011-06-01T21:44:00.002-05:00

We went for our weekly checkup with Dr. Robinson yesterday. Just like every other week, Harper has gotten worse. Her oxygen saturation levels were spending more time in the 80's than the 90's. We have to lower the limits on her monitor almost every night just so we can get a little sleep. She breathes so hard at times that her head bobs up and down with each breath. You can even hear her breathing from across the room at times. She has begun to spit up a little more indicating that she isn't tolerating her feedings as well. She is more pale and grayish looking.

Not all the time though. She has times when she does really well and times that she doesn't do so hot. Dr. Robinson said that pretty soon, she won't bounce back...she'll just constantly struggle.

The good news is that she's done great so far. She is eight weeks old and still going strong (well...kind of). She had great weight gain this week and now weighs 8 pounds, 1 ounce. We didn't think we'd make it to the eight pound mark, but here we are. The other great news is that once Harper makes it to ten weeks of age, the risk of surgery in and of itself decreases drastically. At that point in time, there isn't an advantage to waiting, so Dr. Robinson went ahead and put us on the schedule for two weeks from now. We meet with the surgeon next Thursday and he'll give us an exact date. Considering the fact that he does surgeries on Tuesdays, I expect it to be Tuesday, June 14th.

I thought I would be a wreck when it came time for this, but more than anything, I feel a sense of relief. I'm relieved that sweet Harper is finally going to get her heart fixed. I'm relieved that all of the open-ended waiting is over and we have a plan. And I'm relieved that we are going into surgery under the best possible circumstances. God is so, so good.

Dr. Robinson says that if everything goes well, we can expect 7-10 days in the hospital. Harper has a great advantage because she is being fed through an NG tube. Most other "heart babies" are too weak to eat when it gets close to surgery, so they go into the situation weak and malnourished. Harper is getting all the calories she needs (and then some) and she doesn't even have to work for it.

Two weeks certainly isn't long and I'm thankful that we don't have to anticipate her surgery for months like so many do.

Two weeks to worry.
Two weeks to freak out.

Two weeks to pray.

Two more weeks of monitors going off all night.
Two more weeks of tube feeding.

Two weeks to pray.

Two weeks to prepare.
Two weeks to hold my baby as much as possible before I have to go days without.
Two weeks until Harper gets a lifelong scar.

Two weeks to pray.

Two weeks to explain to Eli and Landon why we're going away again.
Two weeks to pack everyone in our family enough to be away from home for 10 days (at least).

Two weeks to pray.

Two weeks of anxiety.
Two weeks of fear.

Two weeks to pray.

I can get a lot of praying in over the course of two weeks. Prayers of thanksgiving. Prayers of praise and adoration. Prayers for strength and comfort. Prayers for Harper. Prayers for her doctors. Prayers in times of weakness and doubt. Prayers for faith and peace.

Prayer works and it's the best thing we can do for Harper right now.

Thank you for your prayers. God hears them and He has answered them in the way He has watched over us.

How?

2011-05-26T12:01:00.000-05:00

How can something so tiny make my heart so full?

How could I possibly think this baby is even sweeter than her brothers were. (But I do...don't tell them)

How can she already know that she wants to be a Texas Aggie? (She asked me put this hat on her)

How can she look so perfect on the outside when she is so sick on the inside?

How can she not look like Eli and Landon? I guess when you have identical twins first, you think all your kids should look the same. Someone had to kindly inform me that we aren't cloning them here. Hmm...thanks.

How could we not even know something was missing, but know now that Harper completes our family in the most perfect way. (For now...according to Dustin)

How could she be more blessed than to have the two best big brothers in the world?

And how could I possibly be more blessed? I'm just pretty sure I couldn't.

Harper Update

2011-05-24T20:04:00.000-05:00

This is going to be short and sweet...Harper has started getting her days and nights mixed up and was up until 3:30 in the morning. It wouldn't have been that big of a deal if I didn't have to be up at 5:30 to get ready for her doctor's appointment. Unfortunately, she's slept all day today, so I'm afraid we're in for another long night. I know this period of time is fleeting and I actually enjoy the quiet hours of the night when it's just me and Harper hanging out. It's just the next day with two toddlers that kills me. Thankfully, Eli and Landon still take a good nap in the afternoon, so I have that to look forward to each day! Now that we've got a pretty good handle on things with Harper, Eli and Landon are staying home full-time until time for surgery. It's wonderful to have them here all the time, but it certainly adds to the exhaustion.

Anyway...on to Harper. There isn't much to report. Even though she's not doing as well, she's still not doing bad enough to need surgery. She gained 5 ounces this week putting her up to 7 pounds, 10 ounces. We are very thankful for more growth! He did and echo cardiogram and an EKG and there have been no changes to her heart, which is another good thing. We will continue to let her grow as long as possible.

So we continue to wait. The waiting and the unknown are not easy things to deal with, but we just take it a day at a time, knowing that God's timing is perfect. This extra time has allowed Harper to get much bigger and that will be a great advantage when it comes time for surgery.

Our weekly trips to Lubbock take a lot of preparation. I have a checklist of everything we need and I try to gather as much as possible the night before, but so much of it we use throughout the night during her feedings, so it must wait until morning. The first two trips were a little hectic feeling, but I really have gotten the hang of it and we do pretty well now. I have also had the help of some incredible ladies the last few weeks. I never have to worry about going alone because there are so many sweet friends that are willing to go with me to help. A huge thank you to Karen, D'Ann, and Keitha who have been a blessing to me and to Harper.

Here is most of what it takes for a trip to Lubbock (just straight there and straight back).

There isn't a week that goes by that I don't think about our decision to leave the hospital and how thankful I am that things worked out to allow us this time at home. I, no doubt, would be completely crazy right now if I was still away from Dustin, Eli, and Landon and trying to keep up the schedule that I was keeping while in Lubbock. Having Harper at home has been such a huge blessing.

I have some really sweet pictures of Harper (with no tubes or wires) that I hope to share sometime this week....we'll see :)

Thank you for checking on us!

Our Weekend In Pictures

2011-05-23T00:17:00.000-05:00

For no particular reason other than just spending it together, we had such a great weekend. Dustin wasn't busy at work on Friday, so he was around the house throughout the day, which is always a treat.

Harper got a new swing. And not just any swing...it's like the Cadillac of swings. We love this thing!

We finally went and got some flowers to plant in the front yard. Now our house only looks half-way abandoned. Oh well...just because you can't fix everything at once doesn't mean you shouldn't do what you can, right? It makes me feel so much better pulling in our driveway when I see flowers instead of weeds.

Harper helped out by sitting in her bouncer and overseeing the project.

We went on a nice long walk Saturday night. It's so nice to get out of the house and do something together. And I love our new stroller...all three kids can fit on it (for now at least) and it's not even that huge.

Along with those things we ate good meals, I gave all three boys haircuts (they're not very good, but they were free), Dustin took the boys to worship Sunday morning and I took them Sunday night, we played in the sprinklers, we took naps, and we all piled into one of the boys' beds to read books and tell stories at night.

For most of Harper's life, I've just been trying to get by and been living day-by-day anticipating when this surgery will be. I want the surgery to be behind us and over with so badly that I feel sometimes I am wishing her life away. I have to remind myself that even though surgery is looming, it's no reason to not cherish the moments I have now.

But this weekend...well, I didn't even have to remind myself. I guess I've almost gotten used to this new "normal" for us and I'm able to love our life just as it is right now.

We take Harper back to the doctor on Tuesday. There have been very noticeable changes in her breathing this week and she has been more sweaty than before, both of which are signs that her heart is struggling to keep up. Every day is one day closer to her surgery. I'm terrified of it, but so ready for my sweet baby to be "fixed."

I will post an update on Harper sometime Tuesday after we see Dr. Robinson.

Hope you all had a blessed weekend as well!

6 Weeks!

2011-05-17T21:54:00.000-05:00

Harper is six weeks old today. I've been dreading this day for several weeks now...ever since Dr. Robinson told us that surgery would probably be between 6 and 8 weeks of life. I don't know what I expected, but when we got up this morning, Harper was exactly like she was yesterday morning...just fine still. Imagine that.

Harper had two appointments today and the short story is this: she's still doing great and we get to stay home another week. I was expecting great weight gain like last week and was a little disappointed that she only gained 3 ounces. 3 ounces isn't a lot, but it's still growth, so I'm thankful for that. After hearing that the hole in Harper's heart seemed to be getting bigger, I was quite discouraged last week, but I got clarification on that today. The hole is only getting bigger as her heart gets bigger. It is still proportionally the same size as it has been. This was a huge relief.

So we wait a little longer and let this sweet girl grow as much as possible.

Eli and Landon have spent Thursday - Monday at home the past two weeks. We meet Neva on Monday evenings and they stay with her for a couple days while we go to the doctor and then recover the next day (these trips to Lubbock are kind of hard on me and Harper.)

Eli and Landon are more fun than ever these days. The stuff they come up with on their own is just hysterical. They have grown up so much the past few months and having a newborn around makes it even more obvious. We miss them SO much when they're gone. I mean...who wouldn't miss this guy:

Grammy came to see us this past weekend and it was wonderful to have her here! My mom has more energy than anyone I've ever known. She never stops working...unless she's rocking sweet Harper or cuddling with the boys on the couch. We tried to take a picture of mom with Eli, Landon, and Harper. I'll just let you see for yourself how that went...

In the end we got one decent one :)

Rain, Rain, Come and Stay!

2011-05-13T14:36:00.000-05:00

We finally got some rain here in west Texas. We were so thankful...even if it only lasted a few minutes. It has been such a long time since we've had rain that Eli and Landon almost didn't know what it was. They sure had fun playing in it though!

(Yes, I know my children look ridiculous)

Harper Update

2011-05-10T22:22:00.001-05:00

I haven't been very good about keeping everyone up to date on Harper lately and I'm sorry.

We came home two Fridays ago and tried to get the hang of everything. The boys went to stay with Nemo until Thursday afternoon so that I could totally focus on caring for Harper. It was so nice to get everything in order here and get a little rest myself (emphasis on "little"). I've had a lot harder time really recovering from the surgery this time and it felt so good to just sit and rock my baby all day. Harper and I, along with a sweet friend from church who drove us, went to Lubbock last Tuesday for her first cardiologist appointment. She did great on the trip there and back and even through the two hour wait in the Dr.'s office. We got a great report from Dr. Robinson. She has grown, which is our main objective and she now weighs 6 lbs, 6 oz. She had just had an echo cardiogram the previous Friday, so he didn't see a need to redo that so soon. We are supposed to see him twice a week, but because she looked so great, he didn't want to see her back until today. I think that the fewer trips to Lubbock that we have to take, the better it will be for Harper.

I was really encouraged by her appointment. I know that Harper's situation will get worse at some point in time...it is inevitable. But, I was really hoping and praying that we could have at least a couple weeks at home before things got bad. I questioned whether or not we had made the right decision to bring her home, but since she is growing and doing so well, it has really put my mind at ease.

My boys came home Thursday and stayed until Monday. It was SO good to all be home together and I even survived my first day with all three kids by myself. Eli and Landon love Harper, but they pretty much leave her alone most of the time, which is really nice. They will occasionally come by and kiss her forehead or say something like, "I like her, mom." It makes me smile and I tell them that I like her too. And I do...I like her so, so much.

We went back to Dr. Robinson today. Harper has been showing subtle signs that she is struggling a little more: rapid breathing, lower oxygen saturation levels, sweaty skin, and she seems to tire more easily and sleep more. The great news today was that she gained 12 ounces in one week and now weighs 7 pounds, 2 ounces. We could be close to 8 pounds by next week at this rate.

While doing an echo cardiogram, Dr. Robinson mentioned that it seems as though the hole in her heart is getting bigger. This was so discouraging to hear. There is a point at which a hole is so large that it cannot be patched, which would mean we would have to take a completely different route with surgery. This would mean the difference between one surgery that fixes the problem completely and three surgeries that still don't guarantee a good heart at the end. This would be completely devastating to us. It is our prayer that the hole in Harper's heart stays within the size limit of being patchable.

Dr. Robinson also said that he expects her surgery to be within the next 1-2 weeks and no later than 4 weeks from now. The possibility of surgery as soon as next week makes me completely anxious. I try to not worry, to hand Harper's situation over to God, to have more faith...but I feel like I'm failing. I'm terrified and I'm a complete mess.

So that's where we're at right now...just waiting. We have another appointment next Tuesday (unless we feel like we need to bring her in sooner). Eli and Landon went to Nemo's last night, but will hopefully be home Thursday evening. My mom is coming this weekend and I absolutely cannot wait. So here's to enjoying another week home with my family.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T03:57:00.000-05:00

This Mother's Day, I can't help but be overwhelmed by gratitude and emotion as I think about the tremendous blessings that being a mother has brought me as well as the blessing of my own mother, who prepared me so well for this huge responsibility with her love and example.

My mom left almost exactly a week ago. That's right...she was here for four whole weeks. During that time, she helped me heal, drove me to and from the hospital, did all my laundry, bought my meals, cleaned our room at the Ronald McDonald House not once, but twice, was anywhere I needed her to be so that I could spend time with Eli and Landon, Dustin, and Harper and never go too long without seeing any of them, encouraged me to stand up for myself and Harper (and then did it for me when I chickened out), went to Harper's early feeding by herself some days so that I could get a little extra sleep, was at the hospital with me from early in the morning to late at night (as late as 3 a.m. one terrible night that we had a bad nurse), got up every three hours with me in the night and took my milk downstairs to the fridge, laughed with me, cried with me, and loved Harper with me...for four weeks!

I just couldn't have done it on my own and I am so, so thankful that she was able and willing to stay for so long. I hope that one day my kids love and adore me as much as I do her!

And during all of this time, my sweet mother-in-law has had Eli and Landon and has taken such excellent care of them! It has been a huge relief to know that they are with someone that loves them so fiercely and would do absolutely anything to ensure their happiness. She has cooked, cleaned, played, done laundry, watched Eli and Landon's favorite shows over and over, gone on walks, bought way too many happy meals, driven thousands of miles so that I never had to go too long without seeing them, and most importantly...loved my boys almost as much I do. She has taught me many lessons on selflessness and she continues to be such a blessing in our lives.

I have so much love and respect for her for so many reasons, but mostly because of the fact that she is responsible for the person I married. If my boys could turn out exactly like their dad, I would be one extremely happy momma!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there, but especially to the two who I get to call my own.

I love you both!

Third Time's a Charm

2011-05-03T23:36:00.001-05:00

So, we've been altogether absent from the internet world for quite a while now, but we have good reason. We finally got to come home and we have been totally consumed with enjoying life at home with our sweet Harper.

Dr. Robinson mentioned the possibility of going home with a feeding tube two weekends ago, but I tried not to think much of it to avoid yet another disappointment. That next Monday, Dr. Carroll mentioned the same thing and asked how we felt about it. We, of course, were all for bringing Harper home...no matter how much work or equipment it would take.

So the very next day, the case manager got to work trying to coordinate everything: equipment rentals, insurance coverage of everything we would need, home health nurses to come out and visit us, and referrals for special programs to help Harper. Meanwhile, Dustin and I got busy learning everything there is to learn about tube feeding, checking tube placement, operating the feeding pump, drawing up medication, and how to work the monitor (most importantly...how to make it shut up).

I still didn't get my hopes up. Every time I even mentioned the possibility of going home, I followed it up by saying, "if it even happens." Up until the very last minute in the NICU, I refused to let myself believe that it might actually happen because I just couldn't handle another disappointment like the first two.

I could hardly believe it when we finally got the okay to walk out the door and take our baby girl home.

I was so excited, relieved, and just very, very happy.

Then we got in the car and Harper's monitor kept going off and it was almost time to feed her and I began to feel the weight of what had just happened. We are totally and completely on our own now. I don't know that I have ever been more anxious or overwhelmed than I was on the 1.5 hour drive home on Friday. It didn't help that when we hit the county line, you could hardly see through all the smoke from the fires around town.

After several days on our own, I couldn't be more sure that we made the right decision to bring Harper home...even if it is just for a few weeks. We had a really rough last week in the NICU and for whatever reason, we just didn't receive the same level of care that we had the first 2.5 weeks, which was quite frustrating for me. Overall, I am extremely pleased with and thankful for the way that Harper was taken care of. We had so many excellent nurses and Harper was blessed to have them. A big thank you to Aimee, Lin, Jana, Susana, Jamie, Stuart, Bennie, Cindy, Beth, Ebeth, Paulett, Veronica, Shanna, Tiffany, Shellie, Suzie, Jan, Dee, Dr. Carroll, Dr. Contreras, Anna, and so many others that my tired mind can't think of right now. It is certainly a special group of people there that take such good care of these tiniest of patients (and their tired, hormonal mothers).

So we are home and loving it. We continue to tube feed Harper so that she can have optimum growth these next couple of weeks before surgery. Dr. Robinson feels pretty confident that sometime between 6-8 weeks of life, she'll become so symptomatic that we must go ahead with the surgery. She is 4 weeks old today, so we don't have much time. In the meantime, I'm going to soak up every single minute that I have with Harper. I'm going to make sure that she is the very most loved baby in the world. It feels so good to know that she's loved 24 hours a day now instead of just the 12 that I was able to be at the hospital. We are so blessed to have this time with her at home.

Blogging has most likely become a thing of the past for me. Taking care of Harper is pretty much all consuming and it seems like there is little time for anything else. I know it will get easier as we go, but it won't get any less time-consuming, so forgive me if updates are fewer and farther between. Thank you for checking in on us!

Here are a few pictures of our homecoming.

Please notice Harper being threatened by a boy with a wooden spoon. That's why my sweet boys have spent several days at Nemo's house this week :)

Picture Overload

2011-04-25T18:03:00.002-05:00

Instead of boring you all with the details of what we've been up to, here is our life in pictures from the past two weeks.

I get to sit and hold/stare at this sweet baby all day long. While I consider this a great privilege...I can't help but think that I would enjoy it so much more from the comfort of my recliner.

Dustin and Nemo bring the boys up to see me every few days. They go to the hospital and visit Harper while Grammy and I spend some quality time with Eli and Landon. Last week, we played at the park across from the hospital.

Eli and Landon were just enthralled with throwing rocks in the water, so we spent most of the afternoon/evening doing just that.

Look at Eli's perfect form :) Maybe he'll be a famous pitcher like his great-grandpa.

Here's a peek into life in the hospital. This is Harper's little area of the NICU. Our sweet nurse, Aimee decorated her dry erase board and another sweet and fun nurse, Jana put pictures of Eli and Landon on her bed so that they can watch over her at all times. We miss Nurse Amy (from when Eli and Landon were here), but we have been well taken care of in her absence. Amy sent Harper a package the second day we were here with a pink Aggie blanket for Harper and this jar in between the two stuffed animals in the picture below. It says "Harper's Blessings" on the outside and it is full of scripture, quotes, and song lyrics that are encouraging and keep us mindful of the fact that our God is completely in control of Harper's situation. There have been many nights that I have sat here with Harper and read her "blessings" to her and they have brought peace and comfort to us. Amy has been such a friend and encouragement to us the past 2.5 years and I'm thankful that our paths crossed the day Eli and Landon were born.

Harper eats every three hours. Right before her feedings, we take her temperature, change her diaper, clean her cord with alcohol, and wrap her up tight to get ready to cuddle with our sweet girl for the hour it takes to complete her feeding.

Harper and I just live for the moments that Dustin comes to see us. Seeing him with Harper makes me fall in love with him all over again. I never thought I would be okay with Dustin loving another girl more than me, but I can definitely make an exception for Harper.

Here is Harper's monitor that keeps track of her heart rate, respiration, and oxygen saturation. This was certainly a moment to document as Harper's oxygen saturation was at 100%.

Harper and I have been so very blessed to have Grammy here with us the past three weeks. She has to leave on Wednesday and I'm anticipating a complete meltdown on my part when reality sets in.

This past weekend, Grampy came to meet Miss Harper (and subsequently fall in love with her from what I hear). He and mom stayed here in Lubbock and took care of Harper so that I could go home for one night and be with all my boys on Easter.

I had a great Saturday evening and Sunday at home. I spent a lot of time with Eli and Landon and got a lot of rest. They were pretty excited (and a little confused) about the Easter Bunny bringing them presents.

We worshipped in Snyder, which was very good for the heart. Everyone there is so supportive and encouraging. We have just been completely humbled and taken back by the love that has been shown to us by our family at 37th street church of Christ.

After worship, we headed out to Ross and D'Ann's house for a delicious lunch. Eli and Landon love to climb on all of Ross' tractors!

Ross found four baby bunnies in the yard and Landon immediately put it all together that this was the bunny that had brought him a present that morning. He's so funny! Ross and D'Ann were so kind as to package two bunnies up for Eli and Landon to take home. I'm sure their intentions were good, but I'm questioning any friend that would give my children wild animals :) It's just a good thing that Nemo (lover of all animals big and small) is there to take care of them. I'm certainly at my limit of living things that I can take care of.

Eli and Landon pretty much hate the camera these days, so I didn't get a single picture of them with their shirts tucked in or without dirt all over their face. Oh well...boys will be boys.

So this was overwhelmingly long, but now we're all caught up and I'll try to post updates on Harper more often to keep you all informed on her progress. We do have big news regarding Harper: She has now reached the 6 pound mark. Each day of growth is an answered prayer and we are so thankful!

Quick Update

2011-04-23T21:06:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I've neglected our blog so much this week. To be honest, it started out to be a pretty tough week physically and emotionally and I just didn't have it in me. I have a lot to talk about and a ton of pictures of my sweet Harper, but for the moment, I'm just going to give you the quick version.

Harper is doing really well. They started her on a second medication that helps her heart pump more efficiently and they took away all of her bottle feedings except for two and it has made all of the difference. She is alert a lot more, her oxygen saturation has been in the mid to high 90's, and she even has cried a little (gasp!). She just seems a little stronger since she isn't wearing herself out trying to eat. She weighs 5 lbs, 15.4 ounces, so we are getting really close to 6 pounds! She has gained weight four nights in a row now, which is a big deal.

Dustin and the boys came up to see me yesterday and I came back home with them this afternoon, so I'm at home with my three boys for the first time in almost a month and it is just wonderful. We've played outside until almost dark, watched a movie, taken a bath, and done a lot of cuddling. It's certainly bittersweet as I miss Harper so very badly, but she is being well taken care of by Grammy and Grampy, so I can enjoy my time here a little more knowing that. I'm looking forward to worshipping here in Snyder tomorrow and seeing all of the people we love so much.

So that's the quick version. I certainly don't want to waste my precious moments at home on the computer, so I'll put some new pictures up soon.

A New Plan

2011-04-18T23:52:00.000-05:00

Harper had another echo cardiogram this morning. Because of the symptoms she is starting to show, Dr. Robinson wanted to make sure everything was the same with her heart and rule out any new problems as the cause of these symptoms. The PDA is still closed and there aren't any new problems, such as back flow of blood through her valves.

So this means that everything happening is a result of the hole in her heart and now they have to decide how to move forward.

Our new plan is this:

Harper will only attempt to eat from a bottle once per day. The rest of the feedings will be given through her feeding tube to help her conserve as much energy as possible. We want the very most growth we can get the next few weeks and we don't want her to work at all. Eating from a bottle might as well be running a marathon for my sweet, little Harper.

They have started adding supplemental calories to my breastmilk to help her grow even more. She has gone from 18 calories per ounce to 24 per ounce and as long as she can tolerate it, they will try to get up to 30 calories per ounce.

We wait for a couple of weeks. Then, in 2-4 weeks, they will go ahead and do the major repair surgery to patch the hole in her heart. This news really took me by surprise, but a whole team of doctors met on her case this morning and all agreed this is the best course of action.

The exact time that they will do the surgery will be dictated by Harper herself. If she is stable enough to make it 4 weeks, then we will wait that long. If something just absolutely must be done in two weeks, then that's when we'll do it.

Of course, considering how quickly her energy level has dropped, there is a chance that something must be done even sooner. Dr. Robinson mentioned the possibility of Harper ending up on a ventilator if she is too weak to breathe for herself. If that happens before she has had time for adequate growth, then Dr. Robinson will go ahead with the PA band but, he really would like to avoid that procedure.

The whole thing terrifies me just because I thought we would have more time for her to get bigger and stronger before undergoing major heart surgery. But at the same time, if we can get little Harper to grow and get through this surgery successfully, then the worst of all of this will be behind us so much sooner than we thought it would be.

It's going to be a hard two months. I tear up every single time I think about Harper's tiny body having to endure all of this. I tear up thinking about how long it will be before I'm with my sweet husband and my sweet boys at home. All we can do is take this one day at a time and lean on our family, our friends, and most of all, our God who has certainly given us strength thus far.

Thank you for the support you've been to us. Every prayer, every comment, every phone call, every text...they help so very much.

Please keep praying for Harper. Pray for growth. Pray for stability. Pray for strength. Pray for comfort. She is such a sweetheart and I know that there are great things in store for her.

Not This Time Either...

2011-04-17T12:19:00.000-05:00

We were supposed to go home today. The doctors watched Harper for a few days on her new medication and tweaked her dose to get the best results and her oxygen saturation had improved enough that everyone was comfortable with sending us home.

But the past few days had really shattered my confidence. I just really didn't know if I even wanted to take her home, because she was still kind of borderline on her "sats" and it just makes me so nervous. So, they suggested that we "room-in" last night to prepare to go home today. So we packed up all of Harper's stuff and moved into the mini hotel type room to be on our own with Harper all night...kind of a trial run, with a lot of support near by if we needed it.

Harper has been getting a little more difficult to feed the past two days. We have to pretty much force her to finish her bottle. Well...last night, it just wasn't happening. No matter what we did, she was NOT going to eat. We tried for longer than we should be allowed to make her eat and when she wouldn't, they had to put the feeding tube back in and tube feed about 3/4 of her bottle. It was very discouraging. It happened again early this morning, so once again...we stay.

I'm disappointed, but much more than that, I'm relieved. I'm so glad that Harper decides to act her worst when the cardiologist is around or when we are about to go home. It just seems like things keep happening, at just the right time, to keep us here longer. There has to be a reason for that. I'm very thankful that we didn't go home on Thursday only for Harper to shut down and not eat for us. She's so tiny and she needs those calories so badly.

So her oxygen saturation is finally looking good, but now she's not eating, which is another symptom of the large hole in her heart. She is just too tired - her heart is working too hard.

You might have noticed that our plans are constantly changing and evolving based on what Harper needs at the moment. So after talking with Dr. Robinson this morning, here is our new plan:

Lab work was done this morning to check for infection and give us an idea of her general well-being. Everything came back normal. Dr. Robinson ordered another echo cardiogram for tomorrow to check and see if that PDA has opened back up, causing more stress on her heart. He also wants to make sure there isn't any back flow through her valves and see if everything else is working as it should. He also started her on another medication to help her heart pump more efficiently. She will keep her feeding tube in and we will continue to bottle feed her as much as she'll take, and then tube feed the rest to ensure that she's getting everything she needs. And we'll just watch her.

As Harper becomes more symptomatic, there is more talk of the PA band surgery which would be an intermediate step to help her heart not be under so much stress as we wait for her to get big enough for the patch surgery. If she has to have the PA Band, we want to wait at least 2 to 3 more weeks. She really needs to get a little stronger.

The good news is: none of this is putting a damper on Harper's fun!

This was Harper's sweet nurse the past three days. Her name is Lin and we all loved her. Lin, if you're reading this...looks like we'll be seeing you again this week.

Not This Time...

2011-04-15T08:05:00.000-05:00

We were supposed to go home yesterday. I was completely filled with anticipation as we drove to the hospital for what was supposed to be the last time. We spent the entire day getting ready to be discharged. Harper had another echo cardiogram, she passed her car seat challenge, she got her feeding tube taken out, she passed the hearing screening, Dustin and I watched three training videos, I packed up all of Harper's things, we filled out paperwork, the monitor company came to the hospital to train us on how to use Harper's at home oxygen saturation monitor, and then we were all ready to go home...except we still hadn't seen Dr. Robinson. Our nurse called him to see if he needed us to stay and talk to him or if we could just address any questions we had at our appointment on Tuesday in his clinic. He insisted we stay. Three hours later, we were still waiting on him.

He finally came at 6:00 p.m. to talk to us. He started looking at Harper's oxygen saturation level and through her chart at her levels for the past week or so and he was visibly upset with what he saw. He just sat there for the longest time...not saying anything. He said she should have completely normal levels since she has acyanotic heart disease vs. cyanotic heart disease. She should not have such low oxygen saturation levels. He was certain that we would end up in the emergency room in the next few days.

The frustrating part of all of this is that I've been asking about those levels for a week now. I've asked the nurses questions and I've asked her neonatologist questions about it. Everyone told us that her levels were normal for someone with her condition...that it was to be expected for her to "sat" in the low 80's. There is obviously a breakdown in communication somewhere. I think the cardiologist expects other doctors to know as much about heart disease as he does, but that just isn't their specialty.

So...we stay.

I don't think I've ever experienced disappointment like I did yesterday. I'm disappointed for all of the obvious reasons: because I want to go home and be together with my family, because I miss Eli and Landon so bad it hurts, because I don't want to leave my tiny, sweet baby every single night, because I want to get some rest, and because we promised Eli and Landon that they would finally get to meet baby Harper and we got them all excited...and then we never showed up.

But more than all of that...I'm disappointed that my baby isn't well enough to go home. I'm sad that I've thought all of this time that she was doing so well, when in fact, she wasn't.

Dr. Robinson expected her to start showing some kind of symptoms related to the hole in her heart...he reminds us every time we see him just how large this hole is. He just didn't expect to see these symptoms so soon and that is concerning to him. Most likely, there is fluid building in Harper's lungs causing her saturation levels to be so low. So, he started her on medication to help her body get rid of fluid and we saw an almost instant improvement. When we went back to see her after shift change (the NICU closes from 6:30-7:30 a.m./p.m. for shift change), her "sats" were up in the mid 90's.

We don't really have a plan. I couldn't even ask the doctor questions yesterday because I knew if I opened my mouth and tried to talk, I'd turn into a crying mess. Maybe we'll have an opportunity to see Dr. Robinson again today now that we've processed everything.

Neva is bringing Eli and Landon to see me today. Nemo and Grammy are going to spend a lot of time with Harper this weekend while Dustin and I hang out with the boys and try to give them a little bit of normalcy among all of the chaos.

I'm disappointed, but I'm thankful that we didn't leave the hospital only to experience some kind of crisis at home. Harper is in the best place for her right now and I just have to have a little patience until we can figure out exactly what it is that she needs.

Thank you again for your continued prayers. We still need them so very badly.

Happy One Week Birthday, Harper!

2011-04-13T00:51:00.000-05:00

We had another great day today! Harper continued to improve on her feedings through the night and the first feeding of the day today, she sucked the whole bottle down! She ate all of her bottles at all of her feedings today. Looks like she finally got the hang of it.

So the big news of the day is: WE'RE GOING HOME!!!

We have a few more things to wrap up in the NICU and we have to wait on the medical supply company to deliver her pulse oximeter monitor that she'll have to be on, but once those things are done, we'll be able to head home.

I am SO excited to have Harper all to myself. I'm so excited to be back home with my boys where I belong. I'm so excited to see my husband every single day. And I am SO SO SO excited for Eli and Landon to meet their little sister. I know they are going to adore her.

I took pictures of Eli and Landon to the hospital today to show Harper. I'm pretty sure she is going to like her brothers as well.

But with the good news, came some sobering news that was a harsh reminder that this isn't the end of life at the hospital, but merely the beginning. Harper's oxygen saturation is constantly being monitored in the NICU. This is the amount of oxygen being carried through her blood. It is measured in percents with 100% being perfect. Most healthy babies measure 99-100%. When Harper was born, her oxygen levels were that high, but over the course of the last week, they have slowly declined and now her levels are between 88%-92% and she drops down to the low 80's quite often.

I asked the doctor about it and his explanation was this:

Harper is in a constant state of heart failure. It will gradually get worse and worse. She will start breathing more rapidly and labored, she will not grow very well, her oxygen saturation will continue to drop, and she will have to work harder and harder to eat as she grows weaker and weaker.

It was so hard to hear.

It's just that Harper looks so perfect and she's been doing so well this week that I almost forgot the big picture. Harper's heart is very sick and she will need surgery. I just can't stand the thought of my precious baby suffering like that. But I certainly don't want her heart to struggle either. And I know that just as God has brought us this far...He will be with us through the trying times ahead. He knows Harper and He loves her. He will take care of her and He will take care of us. And some day soon, my sweet baby girl will have a good heart and she'll be healthy and active, just like she is supposed to be.

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy every single moment of the next few days, weeks, and months until we are back here for round two. We have been so very blessed and are thankful that we are going home so much sooner than we thought possible.

Please keep praying for little Harper. We'll see the cardiologist twice a week until he decides it is time for the surgery. I'm praying that Harper can stay stable until she can gain weight and strength, so that we are in the best possible circumstances going into surgery.

I can't wait to post a video of Eli and Landon with Harper for the first time! Stay tuned for what is sure to be nothing short of chaos as I begin life with three kids under the age of three.

Harper Lynn: Day Seven

2011-04-11T23:42:00.000-05:00

Harper had a great day today! She progressed so much from even yesterday. She is taking about 50 mL every three hours, but has only been eating between 5-15 of those from the bottle. The rest has been tube fed. She really took off today and she ate between 20-35 mL from the bottle at every feeding. She seems to be getting a lot stronger, so hopefully she'll be doing it all on her own very soon.

Here are a few pictures from our day today:

Grammy feeding Harper her bottle

This is Harper's little area in the NICU

Harper gets a bath every three days

She is SO cute after her bath. She smells so good and we put all new clothes on. She is so proud to be Eli and Landon's little sister, so we wore this shirt for them.

After her bath and bottle, she is completely exhausted. Doesn't she look so sweet and peaceful?

And here are a few of her "accessories." A girl must always look her best.

She is doing so well and I'm very optimistic that we're not too far from going home. What a good day!

Harper Lynn: Days 4-6

2011-04-11T00:47:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the absence. We've had a hectic few days and I've tried to blog, but it just hasn't happened.

Friday was rough. We just won't talk about it because I'd have to admit that I sobbed uncontrollably most of the day in anticipation of being released from the hospital and then when I finally left...well, it was ugly. Moving out of the hospital was one of my hardest days with Eli and Landon too. There is just something about living just one floor away that is SO comforting. I was able to come down to the NICU many times in the middle of the night and I was never that far from Harper.

We moved into the Ronald McDonald house here in Lubbock, so we are only about 5 minutes from the hospital. The Ronald McDonald house is just incredible. It has already been such a blessing for us. I'll have to write more about it later, but I almost tear up just thinking about how wonderful it is to have a "home away from home" here so close to Harper. Come to think of it, almost everything makes me cry these days...can you say hormonal?

Dustin had gone home Thursday night to try and get a day of work in, so he brought the boys up Friday evening and they all spent the weekend here in Lubbock. Eli and Landon are SO good for the heart. I was really needing to see them and it was so nice to be together for a few days.

Now on to Harper...

It is really amazing to me just how well Harper is doing. I never imagined things could be going this well. She is off of the warmer, which means she can keep her own body temperature up. It also means that we get to dress her in all of her precious clothes. You can probably imagine how much that excites me. She now weighs 5 pounds, 6.8 ounces! She only lost weight one day and then she started gaining. She is already almost 4 ounces higher than her birth weight. She still hasn't shown any symptoms that she's in any kind of distress, so the doctors have said that as soon as she can take all of her feedings by mouth for 24-48 hours, we can go home. HOME! can you believe it?

But...the eating part isn't going so well. It might take her a little while to get the stamina she needs to do all of that eating on her own. She gets better every day, but she still has quite a ways to go.

I have SO much more to write about, but that is basically how we're doing right now. We are so thankful for the cards, flowers, visits, calls, texts, emails, and just the general love that has been shown for our family. And, of course, the prayers. Thank you so much.

It wouldn't be worth reading all of that if you didn't get to see this precious little girl, right? Here are some pictures of my girl and her daddy that is totally smitten with her:

Harper Lynn: Day 3

2011-04-07T22:59:00.001-05:00

It's hard to believe my sweet girl is already three days old...and at the same time it's hard to believe she is only three days old. It feels like I've loved her forever and ever.

We had a really good day today. A technician from Dr. Robinson's office came by this morning to do her echo and between the four of us (me, Dustin, Grandpa, and Grammy), someone was down there with her most of the day.

Dr. Robinson came by this evening to discuss what he saw from the echo. My mind is mush and I pretty much cannot be held accountable for anything I say or do at this point in time, so I'm going to tell you what I remember and hope it's somewhat accurate.

The PDA has completely closed on it's own. This is a good thing. Dr. Robinson determined that she has acyanotic heart disease, so we did not need this PDA to remain open. Basically, every part of Harper's heart is there and working properly, but she has a very large VSD (hole) that must be fixed. To give you an idea of how large this hole is, Dr. Robinson said that he considers a VSD measuring 7 mm to be a large hole. Harper's is 13 or 14 mm in size. She has a really big hole in her heart. The good news is: it's not too big. He is still very optimistic that it can be patched.

Because Harper is doing so well and not showing any negative symptoms relating to the VSD, it seems as though nothing needs to be done immediately. As long as she continues to do well over the next week or so, we will get to go home and be closely monitored in his office once or twice a week. Ideally, Harper will remain stable for several months, allowing her to grow and get stronger before we need to do the surgery to patch the hole. But if at any time she starts showing symptoms of distress, she will need to have an intermediate surgery to band the pulminary artery and relieve some of the stress on her heart until she can get big enough to have the major surgery she needs to patch the hole. I believe Dr. Robinson would like for her to be about six months old for the big surgery.

This was all very good news. It's great to hear that we could be going home much sooner than expected. It's great to hear that she may only need ONE surgery. It's great that the PDA closed on its own. It's great that the rest of her heart is perfect.

There are a few things that I'm slightly concerned about though. Dr. Robinson fully expects Harper's growth to be very, very slow. As in...she might only gain one pound in three months. That is really slow, people. We need her to grow so that she is big enough for her big surgery, so if her growth is too slow or she isn't growing at all, this may be another reason to go ahead and do the PA band so that she can get bigger for surgery. These are just things we'll have to keep a close eye on and weigh the costs vs. benefits as we go along the next few months.

Harper hasn't been eating very well on her own. She just doesn't have the suck/swallow/breath thing down yet. You might remember that Eli and Landon really struggled with that as well and it is what kept us in the NICU for so long...just waiting for it all to click for them. Hopefully this will come soon for Harper so that we don't have to stay longer than necessary in the hospital just waiting on her to eat.

Overall, Harper is doing great and we have been so blessed with more good news today. Our God is good and we give Him all the praise and glory for this sweet girl He has entrusted us with. I can't wait to share her with all of you so you can see for yourselves just how unbelievably precious she is.

Harper Lynn: Day 2

2011-04-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

Today has been a good day. This time around has been so much different than the last. I guess knowing what to expect helps quite a bit. I'm proud to say that I was a lot less hysterical before, during, and after delivery than I was with Eli and Landon's birth. (I'm not saying that I handled myself well...just a little better than last time).

I've also had a much easier recovery than last time, although I've been in quite a bit of pain this evening. Overall, I have felt great and have been able to be up and around all day.

Harper is doing great. She is weighed every night in the NICU and she is down to 5 pounds, 0.8 ounces, so she has lost a little bit, but that is to be expected. She is having a little trouble eating, but is improving at each feeding. Tomorrow will be a big day for us. Harper will have another echo cardiagram to confirm her diagnosis and determine a plan of action. We have no idea when they'll be by to do this or if/when we will be able to discuss the results with the cardiologist tomorrow or Friday. They don't make appointments in the NICU...the doctors just come by when they can. We are of course anxious to find out a plan for our sweet girl.

Speaking of Harper... I just cannot tell you how precious she is. She has the sweetest disposition and these big eyes and she is so petite and that newborn smell. Oh my.
It is nothing short of heartbreaking to walk out of that NICU and leave her there. It's just not natural to have a stranger tell you how often and how long you can hold your baby. It's sad to not be able to pick your baby up without getting tangled up in 15 different cords and wires. It's just hard and knowing what to expect hasn't made this part of it any easier. I just want to scoop her up and take her home. I want her to meet her big brothers and I want to sit and hold her all day and I want to be able to nurse her and I want to get up with her all night long. I have SO much to be thankful for, but I'm just human (and a hormonal mom at that) and I'm dealing with the disappointment and frustration as well.

I have so much more to write, but I am so beyond exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open, so I'll leave you with a few pictures from today. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your continued love, support, and prayers.

Happy Birthday Harper Lynn!

2011-04-06T13:43:00.000-05:00

Our day started early yesterday. We were at the hospital at 5:00 am to check in, get settled in, and get ready for the busy day ahead. A couple hours later, I was sitting alone outside the operating wing while the doctors and nurses were prepping Amy for surgery. There is nothing worse than being left alone to think about all of your worries, waiting for what seems to be an eternity to go into a situation you have no control over. Will my baby be able to breath on her own, will she immediately go into cardiac arrest and be swept away in a mad furry with her life hanging in the balances. Pray, Dustin, pray, that is all you can do and it does the most good. As they called me back, I hoped for the best, prayed for the best, and honestly tried not to think about the worst.

The operating room was exactly as I remebered it two years ago and all those happy memories suddenly came back to me. Amy was a little emotional at first of course, so was I, but as the procedure went on she calmed down and did wonderfully. At 8:03 Harper decided to show her beautiful face to her mother and I with the help of what I think are some of the best doctors, nurses, and staff. She looked like a giant compared to her brothers two and a half years ago and she gave the sweetest sound my ears have ever heard, a cry that let us know that she was there and that she was alright. She weighed in at 5 pounds 3 ounces and is 18 1/2 inches long and her Apgar score was 9/9 which is really great. After a few pictures, Harper and I headed down to the NICU.

Amy stayed in recovery for about an hour and a half after the surgery. The nurses swung her by the NICU before she came to our room. Harper's stats and vitals looked great. Her color is great and she is just beautiful. We were not allowed to pick her up after she was admitted to the NICU because they do not want to get her excited due to her heart. While Amy was in recovery they put a cathider and an I V through her umbilical cord so that she can get her medicine and nutrients that she needs. All the grandparents were able to come in the NICU and see Harper and dote on the newest memeber of the family.

Before lunch, a technican from the cardiologist's office performed an echo cardiogram to see how Harper's heart looked. After lunch Amy was given permission to go see Harper and she walked all the way down to the elevators, which is a good stretch, and rode in a wheelchair to the NICU. The nurse was impressed with Amy's ablility to get up and walk as far as she did. Nemo, Grammy, and Grandpa got to come in and see Harper again and dote a little more and we got a few more pictures of Harper.

Just as we were getting ready to go back to our room the cardiologist stopped by to talk to us. After looking over the results form the echo cardiogram, he did not find any new problems, which was great news. The tricuspid valve, which was almost non-existant in our first visit with him, is now a normal size and is working properly. The hole between the two bottom chambers, which is called a VSD, is still there and is still pretty large. He seemed confident it was fixable though. All babies have what I guess you would call a by-pass or hole, called a PDA at birth which allows blood to pass between the top two chambers. After three or four days the PDA will close and the heart will start functioning as it would in any normal adult heart. The cardiologist wants to wait and see if there are any negative side effects after Harper's PDA closes, which will hopefully be Thursday or Friday. There is a slight chance that the PDA will not close and if so she will have to have surgery pretty soon to fix that problem. If the PDA does close and she does not have any negative side effects, Harper can go home with us very soon, maybe as early as next week. If there are some negative side effects, then Harper will have to have a minor surgery, which will place a small band on her artery that delivers the blood to her lungs to restrict the amount of blood flow to her lungs. Because of the VSD (the hole), too much blood (and pressure) will be going to the lungs and the small band will fix the problem temporarily until we can get the VSD fixed a few months down the road.

The cardiologist did say we could hold her and feed her and bathe her, which could not make one Momma I know any happier. Harper looks and acts like a normal baby and if I didn't have a team of doctors tell me any different, I would never guess anything is wrong. She seems good natured and is as sweet as she can be. I want to thank everyone out there for all the calls, texts, and visits and especially for the thoughts and prayers for my sweet girls today. They did without a doubt do wonderful work through our God who has been lovingly gracious to my family today. Thank you... thank you. And thank you Grammy, Nemo, Barbara, and Katelyn for watching the world's best big brothers today. I am so grateful for our family. I don't think anyone could have a more supportive and loving group of people to be there for these trying times.

Here are a few pictures from our day:

We're Scheduled!

2011-03-30T12:52:00.000-05:00

So the decision has finally been made to just go ahead and deliver without Dr. Atkinson. Dr. Killeen will be there and there will be another doctor assisting in Dr. Atkinson's place who everyone on this floor raves about, so I guess I feel good about that. The delivery should be a pretty routine thing....I'm not too concerned about it. And then Dr. Robinson will be here to check Harper out as soon as she's born and stable.

We're scheduled for Tuesday at 7:30 a.m. Can we please take a moment to focus on the fact that I will be 38 weeks and 4 days along at that point in time. In addition to that, Harper should be well over 5 lbs. and her lungs are completely mature already. I just couldn't ask for a better situation. We have been so blessed!

The bad news is...that's really early! I guess when you wait to schedule until a week before, all the mid-morning time slots are unavailable. The good news is...I'll have less time to engage in all kinds of hysteria and anxiety and I won't be in pain all morning from not being able to eat. I realize that come Tuesday morning, the last thing I'll be thinking about is how hungry I am, but as it turns out...eating is all I think about these days.

And speaking of...I just discovered the huge stash of Blue Bell ice cream cups, popsicles, and frozen treats in the patient snack area. Now six days doesn't seem quite as long!

Dustin and his mom are bringing the boys up to see me this evening and I can't wait! I get to leave and have dinner with them, so my main concern today is deciding on the best possible place to eat tonight. Life is rough, huh?

Happy middle of the week to you!

Harper Update - March 28

2011-03-28T17:01:00.001-05:00

Updated 03/29: After talking with Dr. Atkinson this morning, it is looking like we will deliver early next week (Monday or Tuesday). We're having trouble getting scheduled at a time when all three doctors can be there, which is why we haven't nailed down a day and time yet. I don't want her delivered on Friday because it's April Fool's Day. We're certainly not going to get all three of them up here on the weekend. Dr. Atkinson will be gone Monday and Tuesday. Dr. Robinson will be gone Wednesday. So that brings us to next Thursday, which Dr. Atkinson feels is waiting too long. So, it's looking like Monday or Tuesday will be the day and the other high-risk doctor will have to take Dr. Atkinson's place. I really want Dr. Atkinson there, but it's more important to do it when the cardiologist can be there, so that's what we'll do.

All of that to say: we don't know for sure. But hopefully soon we will.

I was waiting to post until we got a chance to talk to Dr. Atkinson, but he still hasn't come by, so I'll just let you know what we know right now.

I had the amnio this morning to check Harper's lungs. Dustin and I went and ate lunch before checking into the hospital. We got here this afternoon, got her results back, and it looks like her lungs are fully mature now. They also measured her this morning and she weighs 4 lbs, 13 oz. She is almost to the 5 lb. mark and we are so glad! We haven't seen Dr. Atkinson since we got the results back, so we haven't been able to discuss what this means as far as delivery goes. I'll update here after we talk to him (which should be very soon). Thanks for checking in on us...things are looking really great!

In the meantime...you can scroll down and see pictures of my adorable boys in the wedding they were in this past weekend :)

The Wedding

2011-03-28T16:52:00.000-05:00

Eli and Landon made their debut appearance as ring bearers in a wedding Saturday afternoon. They almost did great. They were so close to the end. I couldn't believe it...they held hands, the held their pillows, they walked instead of ran, and they were just almost to the end of the long aisle when it all fell apart. A few highlights of the video are:

* First and foremost, please take a moment to appreciate how great they do for the first 17 seconds.
* I love the exact second (0:27) that Eli sees the candy at the end of the aisle.
* I love how Landon didn't even phase the flower girls. They were in the zone.
* I love how the one little flower girl doesn't look up the whole time and sweet little Ava leads her the whole way.
* I love the flower girl dresses! Cheree made them just by looking at a picture...she's amazing!

The wedding was absolutely beautiful. I wish I had pictures of the reception and all of the beautiful details, but I was too busy trying to contain my two very active boys.

Here are some pictures of Eli and Landon from the rest of the weekend.

Don't I look cooperative?

Rolling around on the ground during the rehearsal. Needless to say...the boys did not stand at the front during the wedding, but sat on the front row with me and Dustin.

So...I didn't get a very good picture of the two of them in their suits, but you get the idea. They were SO handsome!

You can dress them up...

I managed to get a couple smiles amid all of the crying.

Ava and Joshua...I just love these two!

Dustin kept the boys entertained while we waited to take pictures.

The kids with the happy couple. Does Heather look beautiful or what?

Eli "napping" on his pillow right before the wedding

I completely gave up trying to keep the boys clean after the wedding was over. Their little suits were filthy about 3 minutes into the reception. Somehow they managed to find the dirtiest dog ever to play with.

And then they moved on to the murky standing water. Their suit jackets were soaking wet. Eli actually stuck his face in this water and took a drink. He probably has worms now.

We attempted a family picture, but it was quite unsuccessful. Eli and Landon were SO done by this point in time.

Can anyone spot two tired boys in the next two pictures?

We loved being a part of Heather and Phil's wedding day and feel so honored that they asked us. It was a little stressful, but it was a lot of fun! Congratulations Heather and Phil!

Harper Update

2011-03-23T00:59:00.000-05:00

I went to Dr. Atkinson today to check on little Harper. I'm always a little anxious before my appointments...especially on days that she gets measured. I always take a bag with me because I just never know what's going to happen or if I'll get to come home. I'm so thankful for how far we've made it (I'm 36 weeks and 4 days today) and I'm feeling much more at ease about the prospect of her coming anytime now.

At my last measuring appointment, Harper weighed 3 lbs, 11 oz. She had only gained 5 oz. in two whole weeks and I was pretty discouraged about that. So I went in today not expecting much, but just hoping and praying that she had grown even a little bit so that she could stay in a little longer for her lungs. Two different people took a total of four sets of measurements to be as accurate as possible and guess how much Harper weighs...

Drum roll please....

4 pounds, 8 ounces!!

Four and a half pounds!

I am just thrilled.

Dr. Atkinson was very pleasantly surprised.

Everything else looks great, so they sent me home for another week.

Dr. Atkinson talked with Dr. Robinson (the cardiologist) a few days ago and Dr. Robinson really stressed how critical her size is for heart surgery, so we're going to try and make it as long as possible. I have an appointment on Monday morning for a repeat amnio to check her lungs again and see how they are developing. I was told to have my bags packed and be ready to just stay until we deliver...which will be sometime on or before April 5th. Living in the hospital isn't ideal, but I know he is torn between leaving her in too long with a lousy placenta vs. letting her grow and develop as much as possible. Being able to monitor her several times a day will allow us to go as long as possible before delivery, which I feel really good about.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers! Prayer works...that's just all there is to it. We thank God for more good news today.

I am excited that we are so close to welcoming this little girl and I'm thankful that so many worries have been lifted these past couple of weeks.

I'm also excited that I get to see the two cutest boys ever be ring bearers in a wedding of a sweet friend this weekend. You KNOW I'll have lots of pictures of that to share next week. Let's just hope we don't turn her beautiful ceremony into a three-ring circus! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous about this...it's a really long aisle they have to make it down!

Here are a couple of pictures of me and Harper from the last couple of weeks:

34 weeks

35 weeks

36 weeks

Harper's Bedding

2011-03-21T13:23:00.000-05:00

Several weeks ago, I made a quick trip to Dallas (by myself...thanks Dustin and Nemo!!) to pick out fabric for Harper's bedding. My mom made all of Eli and Landon's crib bedding and it was SO special to me, so when she offered to make Harper's, I was ecstatic.

We searched for days for the perfect fabrics for Eli and Landon's room. We only had one day this time, but I was confident that after already going through the process once before, I could do it much more quickly this time around. I was mistaken! We spent a total of 6 hours in Jo Ann's fabric agonizing (at least I was) over the perfect fabric combination. We had 5 coordinating fabrics picked out, but I just couldn't commit to it. So, we hid the five bolts of fabric deep in a bin in the back and we left the store to clear our heads and get some food. To make a long story short...we went back later and pulled those fabrics out and I knew it was all wrong. I still think it would make adorable baby bedding, but something was off...it was just too bold....too harsh...and there wasn't a bit of pink in it. I have lived with three boys for 2.5 years and I want some pink around here for crying out loud!

But that left us back at square one. After finding a little inspiration at a baby store next door, we went back in and quickly (as in it only took us 1.5 hours this time) put together the fabrics that we ended up with. They're calm. They're very feminine. They're classy. I couldn't wait to see the finished product. Mom brought me the finished bedding this weekend and it's even more beautiful than I imagined it! I am so excited about how it turned out. I wish I had just a portion of the talent that she does.

Here are (way too many) pictures of Harper's bed:

I wish I could show it to you in a finished baby room, but we're not quite there yet (or even started for that matter), so that must wait. At least she has a bed to sleep in!

This was certainly a labor of love and I appreciate so much all of the work that went into it.

Thank you, Mom!

Checking out of Covenant Lakeside #324

2011-03-15T15:06:00.000-05:00

Another sleepless night last night left me even more anxious and exhausted than I was yesterday. When the sun finally started coming up, I didn't know if I was ready to face whatever today held, but so ready to get it over with at the same time. We were told it would be this afternoon before we heard anything about Harper's test results, so we got showers, had breakfast, and laid around for a couple of hours.

And as has been my struggle through every step of this journey so far, I tried my hardest to hope and pray and expect the best, but at the same time, prepare myself for any news we may get. It seemed so likely to me that something could be wrong with Harper. Something bigger. Something lifelong. Something unfixable. I mean...there has to be a reason that everything looks normal, but yet she's not growing.

I've been praying about this for a long time. I beg and plead with God to let our baby girl be as healthy as possible...to let her be as normal as possible...to let her have as full of a life as possible. But I always end up feeling guilty for my requests...like whatever God has in store for us isn't "good enough" for me...like I won't appreciate the blessings of this child no matter how she comes to us...like I'm selfish for wanting her to be "normal."

I know the truth. I know we will love and adore and cherish her no matter what. I know she will be a blessing in our lives no matter what. And I know that God knows our hearts and our minds and for me to worry about being "misunderstood" by Him is such a silly thing.

The results were back this morning and everything looks normal on the preliminary report. There will be a full report available early next week, but all indications are that Harper is totally and completely normal as far as her chromosomes are concerned.

We found out in the middle of a sonogram and I tried to hold myself together until we could get back to our room. And then I cried. Tears of relief. Tears of thanksgiving. Tears of happiness that Harper won’t have to face any more struggles than she is already up against. We are so, so relieved.

We still have a lot to get through. We have to make it a couple more weeks. We have to get her here. We have to see how her heart functions on its own. We have to see if her Tricuspid valve has grown. We have to see if the hole in her heart hasn’t grown. We have to get through her first minutes, hours, and days. And we have to make it through a heart surgery. But I feel so much more ready for these days ahead with a little uncertainty out of the way…with a little reassurance that whatever problems she may have right now are fixable.

So after the test results, a sonogram, a non-stress test, full blood work, and meeting with each of my doctors, we were discharged from the hospital around 2:00. Now that we have ruled out a chromosome abnormality as the cause of the growth problems, it pretty much leaves one culprit…a lousy placenta. Dr. Killeen explained it like this: because she’s not growing, she’s obviously under some “stress.” But because all of the monitoring that we’ve been doing looks so good, she’s not in “distress.” The problem is that stress leads to distress and we need to be extra vigilant to watch for signs of that. He actually wasn’t a fan of sending me home from the hospital. They have me coming back this Saturday for a non-stress test and another sonogram and as long as things continue to look good for Harper, we are planning on delivering end of March/first of April.

In the meantime, I am going to take it really easy and try to give Harper a calm and stress-free couple of weeks to grow as much as possible. I will be so thrilled if we can make it to April (although I’m terribly anxious to meet this girl).

Thank you for your prayers. It is an indescribable feeling to know so many people love us so much that they have been in constant prayer for our family. It brings a comfort that nothing else possibly could.

We praise God for our good news today!

Where We're At

2011-03-13T16:24:00.000-05:00

Dr. Atkinson came by a little bit ago. We discussed Harper's lungs and he didn't seem surprised at all at her levels. He explained that while the numbers came back low, those results aren't necessarily an exact indicator of how a baby's lungs will perform once delivered. But since we know she's not ready, we will wait on delivering for another two weeks.

I asked him if he felt like she was in any danger where she is now. He said that if he wasn't concerned, he wouldn't have me here, but that he feels very comfortable waiting another two weeks. Her growth hasn't completely plateaued, which is a good thing.

Since we were already having the amnio done for the lung maturity tests, we went ahead and sent some amniotic fluid off for chromosome testing. It is a real possibility that Harper's growth issues are being caused by a chromosomal abnormality. We have known that because of her heart defect, she is at an increased risk for this and growth problems are just one more indicator that something bigger could be wrong.

I can't decide which is scarier: knowing or not knowing.

Those results take several days to process, so we won't have them back until Tuesday at the earliest. Dr. Atkinson is monitoring Harper three times a day and wants to continue doing that for a couple of days until we find out about the chromosome results.

So I'll be a resident here for at least a couple more days. The good news is that he gave me a pass to come and go from the hospital so I can at least have a little break from this room. I have to have someone who is "responsible" for me while I'm out, but I have a good feeling Dustin will do that for me. So I have big plans for dinner and a little shopping tonight.

It'll be a long two days as we sit here with not much to do and wait for results that could be life-changing. Dustin has been releasing a little nervous energy with some retail therapy today. He went to church this morning and since then, he's been to Home Depot twice, been to Harbor Freight Tools, and he's currently at Lowe's. The only consolation I have is that I have the car so loaded down with everything I own that he can't possibly buy too much. For some reason shopping for tools is more appealing to him than the Sister Wives marathon on TLC today.

If you would, please just keep us in your prayers while we wait to find out more information on this sweet girl and for peace and understanding with whatever information we receive. You can't imagine the peace and comfort it brings us to know that we have so many praying for us and surrounding us with love and support during this time of uncertainty. We are so blessed.

Just Checking In...

2011-03-12T23:37:00.000-06:00

I didn't sleep much last night. How do you even prepare to be gone from your house for an unknown period of time (at the changing of the seasons at that...I mean, seriously, what is a girl supposed to pack?) as well as the possibility of the arrival of a sweet baby and subsequent surgeries?

Dustin can officially tell you. You pack everything you own into your huge car because you are pregnant and irrational. Have I ever mentioned what a patient man he is?

We were supposed to be at the hospital at 10:00, but it was kind of hard to say goodbye to Eli and Landon, so it was more like 11:00 before we got here. Leaving those boys was definitely the part of the day that I was dreading the most. They have such tender hearts. And they know that things aren't normal...they've been extra clingy and extra needy and extra "mama's boys"... (and extra bad, but we won't go into that). They were very happily going with Nemo to her house for the rest of the weekend, which made things a little easier. I have a lot of confidence that they will be very ~~spoiled~~ well taken care of!

Speaking of Eli and Landon...
We are in the antepartum floor of the hospital, where I was admitted the day before they were born as well. While looking around, Dustin noticed that their picture is being proudly displayed on one of the bulletin boards here. I don't even know where they got this picture!

They quickly got me admitted and we were off to the amniocentesis by 11:40. I don't do well with needles. Dustin really doesn't do well with needles. He tried to leave the room and I had to inform him that being a coward was not a luxury that he could be afforded today and he needed to get his rear by my side to hold my hand. He reluctantly agreed and neither one of us opened our eyes until the whole thing was completely over and all of the evidence was gone. It was relatively easy and painless and the whole thing took just a few minutes.

We didn't get results until about 2:30. Basically, there are two tests that measure lung development. The numbers that indicate lung maturity are 50-55 on the first test and 50,000 on the second test. Harper's levels were 22 and 17,000... a far cry from being mature. They are giving me another round of steroid shots and now we wait a little longer. Dr. Atkinson was already gone for the day, so we didn't get to discuss the results with him. I am anxious to see what he says tomorrow when he comes by.

I didn't expect her lungs to be mature, but I was a little surprised by just how low her numbers are. I don't know enough about the situation to even know how to feel, but my first reaction was relief. I'm relieved that they won't be delivering in the next few days and I hope and pray that she decides to grow a little with this extra time she has. Her extremely slow growth definitely indicates a problem somewhere, but because everything else looks so good (fluid, blood flow, heart, structure)...I feel like she's not in any immediate danger. This is, of course, my own supposition with absolutely no confirmation from anyone in the medical field, so maybe I should just wait until tomorrow before I "feel" one way or another.

In any case, I've had a lot of people ask me how I'm doing and I must say that I'm actually surprised by how calm and at peace I am about everything. Don't get me wrong...I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm sad to be away from my boys. But more than that, I'm hopeful. I'm prayerful. I'm excited. And I know that God can and will take care of us.

Plus...I get to spend two whole days with my good friend, Dustin. It's kind of like a little get-away :) They are keeping me until at least Monday to monitor Harper several times a day and then hopefully they'll allow me to go home to wait it out there.

Dustin took a three hour nap today (nothing like quality time with your husband...I shared a narrow hospital bed with his 6'4" snoring self while I watched an NCIS marathon) so I'm assuming he'll be up all night watching whatever war show he's currently found. I, however, am going to try and get some sleep.

Thank you so much for all of the encouraging texts and for your continued prayers. Hopefully I'll have a better handle on the situation tomorrow afternoon when we've had a chance to visit with Dr. Atkinson.

The Calm Before the Storm

2011-03-11T00:24:00.000-06:00

I might have considered myself an optimist at one point in time...and to a certain extent I guess I still am.

Somewhere along the way though, I realized that pessimists seem to suffer less disappointment. When you always expect the worst, there isn't much room for disappointment.

But that's really not who I want to be.

So I guess I would put myself somewhere in the middle now. I want to be optimistic, but because I have to fight those pessimistic thoughts, I end up somewhere in between....possibly realistic. Sometimes I fear that my lack of optimism really translates into a lack of faith and it scares me that I have to try to much harder now to hope for the best. It's becoming all to common to just expect the worst.

In any case...I was prepared for today.

Harper has grown, but only marginally. She is below the 5th percentile and they no longer can even pinpoint just how low on the growth curve she really is. It's hard to want something so badly and have absolutely no control over attaining it. I want my body to give Harper everything she needs, but other than eating well and taking vitamins, it's really out of my control. And for whatever reason...I'm just no good at growing babies.

The problem is that we really need Harper's lungs to be mature before she's born. Immature lungs combined with a heart problem is a recipe for disaster. So Dr. Atkinson allowed me to come home today, but Covenant Lakeside will be expecting my arrival at 10 a.m. Saturday morning and I'll be admitted for an undetermined amount of time. I will have an amniocentesis on Saturday to measure just how developed Harper's lungs are. Based on these results, Dr. Atkinson will know exactly where her lungs are right now and exactly how much more time she needs inside for them to be fully mature. Once we have that information, my team of doctors will decide whether to go ahead and deliver Harper so she can start growing outside of me or whether to let her develop a little longer inside of me.

If her lungs still need quite a bit more time, they may allow me to come home until we know she's ready for delivery. We'll know more of a plan on Saturday.

So I came home to my sweet, little boys and I'm so thankful I have a little time to hold them tight before our lives get a little crazy. So if you need me the next 24 hours or so, I'll be right here soaking up all of the hugs, kisses, and laughter I can with two of the funniest, most handsome, and sweetest little boys there ever were.

As always, we appreciate your love, concern, and prayers for our family. I have faith that no matter what the next few days and weeks hold for our family, God is already there and in control. He will certainly see us through.

Quick Update

2011-03-04T15:30:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to let you all know how my appointment went yesterday. It was pretty uneventful...Dr. Atkinson looked over my monitoring strip and at all of her blood flow and said she looked great and that he would see me next week. I am really thankful for another week home with my babies and another week for Harper to grow! A lot is riding on next week's appointment because they will measure again. I think that as long as she is growing at least some, we'll still try to make it to 37/38 weeks. I'm feeling a lot more at peace and calm about the situation now. Knowing that we'll make it to at least 35 weeks is reassuring.

I'm contemplating having a last minute garage sale tomorrow... as in throw all my junk (and we have a LOT) on tables and let people pay whatever they want for it. It gets it out of my storage building, is not a lot of work, and we might even get a few dollars. We'll see what Dustin thinks of this idea when he gets home from work. It's every man's dream to have a garage sale with their very pregnant wife and two toddlers, right?

Hope you all have a great weekend!

2011-03-01T15:29:00.001-06:00

Sorry for the lack of updates last week. Eli's week started off rough when Landon "helped" him off the porch and he skinned his face.

That same night, I was at the hospital having a non-stress test done and I get a text from Dustin that says, "I'm pretty sure Landon just broke Eli's nose." Dustin had cleaned most of the blood up before I got home, but there were still drops of blood all over my kitchen floor. Poor little Eli. His nose never swelled or bruised, so I don't think it was broken after all. Then... Dustin, Eli, and Landon all had some sort of stomach bug, but thankfully I managed to avoid it somehow. I went to Lubbock Thursday for my weekly appointment and Friday we spent the day in Abilene shopping, eating, going to the doctor, and visiting the zoo. We needed some fun after that long week. We haven't been to the zoo in a really long time and it was fun to see Eli and Landon soak it all up and get excited about all of the animals they recognized.

My appointment Thursday was okay. Harper still isn't growing as quickly as we'd like. She is 3 lbs, 6 oz. and in the 6th percentile now. Dr. Atkinson said that while her growth isn't what it should be, if we look at the big picture, she really looks great. All of the monitoring I've been doing (twice a week) looks great. Her fluid looks good, her blood flow looks good, she's very active, and her heart rate is always very consistent. Overall...she looks good. She's just really small. I was SO relieved that he didn't put me in the hospital to watch her any closer than we already are.

(33 weeks)

Yesterday marked the exact day in my pregnancy (by gestational age) that Eli and Landon were born. 33 weeks and 3 days. Eli was born at 3 lbs, 4 oz., so Harper is already bigger than he was at this time. Hopefully we can make it another four weeks!

Here are a few pictures of Eli and Landon:

Eli (successfully) dressed himself this day.

This has always been Eli and Landon's favorite spot in the yard. There's a little hole in the fence and they LOVE to stick things through there and terrorize the neighbor's dog. It's really quite annoying as that dumb dog barks like crazy at them. They laugh and think it's hilarious.

Sweet Landon

Harper Update

2011-02-17T20:14:00.000-06:00

I didn't post about our appointments last week mostly because I was discouraged and emotional and I tend to get a little dramatic when I'm like that. Harper didn't grow as much as we were hoping and I really took the news hard. I was just really, really scared. I know what it means when a baby doesn't grow inside of you...it means they have to grow outside of you and this is a scenario that I am really hoping to avoid this time around. So when Harper had dropped back down to the 10th percentile and growth wasn't what it should be, I panicked a little bit.

I've just been treading along the last few weeks and months almost ignoring what the very near future holds for us and now it is almost time to face it...and I just don't feel ready. I'm not physically ready, I'm not mentally ready, and I'm certainly not emotionally ready. But that's the thing about life sometimes...it doesn't care if you're ready. And I've come to learn that the ability to adjust is much more vital than always being ready.

But I went ahead and drug out a carseat and thoroughly washed it because that's all you really need to take a baby home from the hospital anyway. So now I'm officially ready.

Nevermind that we have one bathroom completely gutted down to the studs, that because of the construction there is a layer of dust so thick covering every inch of our house that you could play tic-tac-toe in it, we have an unpainted baby room stacked to the ceiling with unready baby stuff and unassembled furniture, and the only reason we have blankets for this girl is because I cried to Nemo the other day that Harper didn't have any blankets and of course Nemo has since then purchased eight beautiful, pink baby blankets. Seriously, Amy? Crying over blankets?

And I went back to the doctor today, knowing that they wouldn't measure her again becuase they do that only every other week. But Dr. Killeen, my very calm, very reassuring, very optimistic doctor told me that he wasn't worried. And I told him, "that makes one of us." He says that as long as her blood flow looks good, that he feels good about it.

So I went downstairs for my next appointment and they did a sonogram and guess what...her dopplars (cord blood flow and brain blood flow) looked the best they have yet. They were all in the normal range meaning she is getting just what she should. Blood flow through the cord is directly related to growth, so I'm optimistic that she's growing. In addition to that, her fluid levels are great, her kidneys are great, her liver is great, her heart is good (ish), and she's very active. So today was a better day.

I knew there would be ups and downs along the way. It's just that I had gotten so spoiled with constant positive reports. I'm 32 weeks tomorrow. (How did that happen already? I'm pretty sure I lost a week somewhere.) Every week further along we can make it is a huge victory to me! We'll just continue to pray that Harper grows and stays inside as long as possible!

Here are a few pictures of me and Harper from the last few weeks:

(29 weeks pregnant)

(30 weeks pregnant)

(31 weeks pregnant)

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-15T23:35:00.000-06:00

Holidays are so much more fun with Eli and Landon! Let’s just say that there is someone who lives in this house (who shall remain nameless) that is less than thrilled with decorating, baking, and crafts. But that’s the beauty of children…you can force your fun on them. So the week before Valentine’s day, Eli, Landon, and I started gearing up with homemade valentine cards for some special people in our lives and baking and decorating cookies.

Then on the morning of Valentine’s Day we ate homemade waffles, went to our party at the library, had lunch with Dad, all crawled into bed together for an extra long nap, and played outside. It was a most wonderful day celebrating all things “love”…and that is something worth celebrating. I am blessed with the three cutest valentines a girl could ever ask for!

We helped mom by eating the sprinkles -

Off of each other's fingers no less...

We traced and glued all by ourselves!

Our cookies to share with all of our friends at the library -

Valentine's Day with Anna, our sweet friend from church

Here we are with Miss Jacki, the children's librarian.

And here we are checking out all our goodies. We got a LOT of candy!

Snow Days!

2011-02-15T22:59:00.000-06:00

You might have heard that it snowed a little here in Texas...and the rest of the world. We did all of the snow day things like sleep in late, eat a big breakfast, stay in our pajamas and watch movies, turn the heater up, all crawl into bed together and nap all afternoon, bundle up and brave the cold weather to play in the snow, drink hot chocolate, and try to stay sane as we were cooped up in the house for almost two weeks. One thing is for sure...we LOVED having daddy home more than usual!

I can recall this time fondly because it's over and I've already repressed the craziness that not leaving the house for days on end caused me. It's wonderful to be forced to slow down and do nothing but spend time with your family, but we were all going a little stir-crazy by the end of the cold weather.

Here are a few pictures:

Playing in the snow -

And enjoying some hot chocolate immediately after -

We don't do finger paint around here...it's just way too much for me to handle. But...we do draw shapes and letters in shaving cream. It's so much easier to clean up and I'm pretty sure Eli and Landon have just as much fun with it...but who would know because their scrooge of a mom has never introduced them to finger paint.

We tried to make the best of the ridiculous cold, but I am personally SO, SO happy that the days of playing outside are back. It makes me one, very happy mommy!

Adventures in Potty Training

2011-02-07T23:38:00.001-06:00

Warning: this post is totally dedicated to all things potty. It's gross.

I am going to attempt to write about our recent experiences in potty-training. It's been crazy, frustrating, funny, and totally disgusting all at the same time.

I was totally overwhelmed at the thought of potty-training Eli and Landon, but once we got going, I realized that it's just like every other skill they learn...you have to teach it to them and then practice, practice, practice. I would love to say that they are potty professionals by this point in time...after all, it has been over three weeks since we started. Unfortunately, we aren't quite there yet and it's still a work in progress, but we've come a long way and I'm glad to have the worst of it behind us.

I waited until after all of the holiday traveling was over when I knew we would be home for several weeks in a row and able to really concentrate only on this. We started on a Tuesday morning and we basically just threw the diapers away, put on "big boy underwear" and started potty training boot camp in the living room. We watched a LOT of Handy Manny that week. We brought some toys and books in the living room and just camped out there all day. Eli took to the whole idea pretty fast, but Landon started out begging me to put a diaper on him. When I told him that we didn't need diapers anymore, he sat down on his little froggy potty and refused to get up. And guess what...you have 100% success rate when you never get off the potty! I was totally okay with this approach, but after about an hour, he decided that Eli was having too much fun playing and he would join him.

That first week is kind of a blur. I checked the boys every 15 minutes to see if they were "dry" and praised and rewarded them if they were. Then we sat on the potty and if they went a little, we went crazy celebrating. I loved the way they encouraged one another and celebrated each others' successes. We did this for four days straight. It was completely and totally consuming. And of course, we went through a ton of clorox cleanup and papertowels...there were lots of accidents. I've never been so thankful for wood floors! When they did have an accident, I would just act disappointed (and try to hide my mounting frustration) and keep repeating that "tee tee/poo poo goes in the potty."

I got a lot of good and practical advice from friends, which we implemented. One piece of advice that I haven't been able to make myself follow is to take away the diapers and never go back. While we haven't gone back to diapers, we have definitely used pull-ups at times (which is just a glorified diaper anyway). Because I'm going to doctors appointments so often, Eli and Landon spend quite a bit of time in someone else's care, often in someone else's home. And I just can't do that to anyone...especially someone kind enough to keep my kids for me. I think this might be a lot of the reason they haven't done quite as well as I think they could do, but I'm totally okay with that.

I think the thing about potty training is this: you just have to do what works for you. You learn really fast what is going to work or not work for your kids and you just go in whatever direction that takes you. It's a really big deal when you're in the middle of it, but it's not bad as I thought it would be. It's just a really good thing that I have such a higher tolerance for nastiness coming from my two sweet children than I do in other areas of life. Motherhood is so glamourous!

So I know that's not helpful or all that detailed, but that's kind of where we're at. Here are just a few funny things for the record book that I don't want to forget from the last few weeks:

* While Eli and Landon started getting the hang of going tee-tee on the potty, it was five days before they went poo-poo on the potty for the first time. We finally had to sit them on their little potty, leave the bathroom, and shut the door. Turns out all they wanted was a little privacy to do their business.

* When Landon goes poo-poo on the potty, he takes a deep breath, raises his eyebrows, and says "here it comes, Mommy". Then he puts his hands over his eyes until it's all over. SO funny!

* Trying to maneuver the whole public restroom situation with two year old twins is downright impossible! They want to touch EVERYTHING, pull all of the toilet paper out, crawl on the floor, look under the stalls, and I'm told they are very intrigued by urinals. It is my fervent prayer that we make it through this time period without any restroom-related diseases. SO gross! And it just so happens that Landon has to go poo-poo every single time we use a public restroom...leaving Eli to roam about unattended. Please ask Dustin about his recent experience in the Lowe's restroom while I was at the doctor...it's hilarious.

*Tonight, when the boys were saying their prayers, right after they asked God to help them not fight, they asked for help to "tee tee and poo poo in the potty." What a coincidence...I'm praying for the exact same things!

A little sweetness...

2011-01-28T23:03:00.000-06:00

I promise I won't take pictures of every gift we receive and dedicate a blog post to it, but Nemo brought these yesterday and they are just too sweet not to share. In addition to that, they are Harper's first monogrammed item and that is certainly something notable :)

Harper Update

2011-01-28T16:23:00.000-06:00

Dustin and I went to Lubbock yesterday for a day full of appointments. Most notably, we saw Harper's pediatric cardiologist for the last time before she is born.

At our first appointment with him, he had trouble even finding the tricuspid valve and said that if it was there, it was so small that he couldn't see it. At an appointment last week, Dr. Atkinson mentioned that he thought he saw that valve now, so I was anxious to hear what Dr. Robinson (the cardiologist) thought. Harper was in a very cooperative mood, which made things so much easier and Dr. Robinson was able to get a really good look at her heart.

The Tricuspid Valve is definitely there, but it's on the small side. It should be measuring about 9mm at this point, but it's somewhere between 4 and 5 mm. There is still time for it to grow though, and that's what we are praying for. If the tricuspid valve grows, then our biggest problem is the hole in her heart, which can be patched after she's born. It's only because of this hole that Harper's right ventricle (the lower right chamber of the heart) has grown and developed, but it will cause heart failure after she's born if it's not fixed. This hole is quite large as far as holes-in-the-heart go, but it's not too large at this point that it couldn't be patched. If the hole gets any bigger, it will be less likely that they will be able to patch the hole to make a two chamber heart.

So we're working with two variables here: the size of the hole and the size of the tricuspid valve. We need the tricuspid valve to grow and the hole in her heart to not grow (shrink would be even better, but I'm told that's not realistic...that won't stop me from praying for it though.)

These two variables will determine everything about our plan of action. Here are a couple scenarios that could play out:

1. If the tricuspid valve does NOT grow and/or the hole DOES grow, then we will most likely continue with our original plan to do the PA Band surgery the first week of life and then two other surgeries later on to make Harper's heart into a one-chamber heart. This will mean three surgeries her first two years.

2. If the tricuspid valve DOES grow and the hole does NOT grow, then we may or may not do the PA Band (depending on how her heart is functioning at birth) and she will undergo a surgery anywhere from 2 months to 6 months to separate the heart into a two-chamber heart by patching the hole in her heart. This will mean 2 surgeries (but possibly even just one). A good two-chamber heart is better than a one-chamber heart, but an excellent one-chamber heart is better than a bad two-chamber heart.

Scenario #2 would be a better situation for Harper because it would be 1-2 less surgeries and would leave her with a two-chamber heart, but either way, we are optimistic that her heart is fixable and she will be a healthy little girl after this is all said and done.

She still has a couple months to grow and even though we won't see the cardiologist again until she's born, Dr. Atkinson will be looking at her heart every week and making sure her growth remains normal. If everything continues to go well, we will probably deliver the first week in April and it's going to be quite the party with all of the doctors and nurses that will be there. Harper will certainly be making a grand entrance into this world. I'm anxious to meet this sweet thing that has caused us so much worry already!

We are so pleased with her growth and development and so thankful that God continues to move things in a direction that is more hopeful and positive for our family. Thank you again for your prayers and thank you for checking on us.

Here is a picture from last week:

(28 weeks pregnant)

And here are some pictures of the most precious boys I know. I think Harper is one lucky little girl to have Eli and Landon...although I'm a little concerned about her surviving them her first year or so :)

I guess she'll be tough!

I'm looking forward to a nice, productive weekend at home with my three favorite people. We've been very busy with potty-training and I plan to report on that soon. It's nothing short of frustrating, gross, and hilarious. Most likely I'll be telling you what I've done as a "how NOT to" guide. Despite it all..we are making a little progress. Emphasis on "little"!

Happy Friday!

Family Pictures

2011-01-21T16:17:00.001-06:00

I hadn't had the boys' pictures taken since last August and I was feeling pretty awful about it. I originally just planned on getting their pictures taken and staying out of it...mostly because Dustin had already told me that yearly family pictures were a little excessive and he would not be participating this year. What a scrooge.

But then, we found out we were expecting and I played the whole, "our-family-will-never-look-like-this-again" card and the "can-we-please-do-this-now-before-I-get-big-and-fat-because-I-may-never-look-the-same-again" card and he's such a softie, so he totally agreed.

So, we scheduled with Heather Posey, a sweet friend that we go to church with. She's easy-going and has a lot of energy (seriously...you should see her sprinting around trying to get pictures of these boys). She's way patient and just keeps shooting away until she feels good about what she's got. And she always, always tries whatever ideas I have. We love Heather!

So here are a few of my favorites:

Harper Update

2011-01-19T11:28:00.001-06:00

I went back to Dr. Atkinson yesterday to check on Harper and it was SUCH an encouraging appointment.

My prayers have really been focused on her growth lately. Our fears are that if there is an issue with the placenta that is causing the growth problems, there will come a point in time that the doctors will have to decide to go ahead and take her because she'll have a better chance of growing outside rather than inside. We've done the prematurity thing before and it's not something I want to experience again. Plus, a premature baby combined with a heart defect is not a good situation. At our last appointment, Harper's measurements put her weighing about 1 lb, 6 oz, in the 13th percentile, and about 10 days behind in growth. Even though she had grown and her growth curve was looking normal, there was still some concern that she was falling further behind.

When they measured Harper yesterday, she came out to 1 lb, 14 oz. and in the 18th percentile. She had completely normal growth and everyone was very happy with this. We're headed in the right direction and I am so, so thankful! Maybe it's all that peppermint ice cream I've been eating :)

Dr. Atkinson looked at her heart and was impressed that the right side of her heart is still continuing to grow. He even thinks he can see the Tricuspid valve now, so I'm really anxious to go back to the pediatric cardiologist next week and see what he has to say now that she's a little bigger. He also looked at all blood flow throughout her body and everything looked normal and good.

I'll see Dr. Atkinson every week from here on out. And I'll be monitored once a week here in Snyder on top of that. It seems just a little excessive to me, but I have to remember that without all of the constant monitoring, we might not have Eli and Landon today. We caught things at the exact time that they were quickly deteriorating with the boys and we delivered the next morning.

It's actually my hope and prayer that all of this excessive monitoring is just that: excessive and unneeded. Hopefully we won't have any problems and we can make it as close to 40 weeks as possible. We need Harper to be as big and strong as possible!

Thank you for checking on us. We praise God for a good report once again!