The Girl Who Cried Surgery
I'm a Complete Lunatic
Did That Really Just Happen?
Biggest Relief Ever (But I'm Still Crazy)
Before Harper was born, we went to see Dr. Robinson (the pediatric cardiologist) several times for fetal echo cardiograms and to discuss our plan of action once Harper was born. You might recall, that it seemed very clear to both Dustin and I that they would wait until Harper was 6 months old to do surgery, but if she absolutely needed something done early on, they would perform the PA band as an intermediate step to hold her over until her big surgery. This was discussed several times and Dustin and I both came away with this understanding.
Fast forward to the time of Harper's birth and all of a sudden they start talking about the big open heart surgery being done between 8-10 weeks. And we were like, "wait a minute, what about the PA Band that you talked about doing? Wasn't that the plan if Harper needed something immediately?"
And Dr. Robinson said, "PA Band???" (shocked and not understanding). And we said, "yeah, the PA Band that we talked about." And all of a sudden that wasn't even an option and Dustin and I left feeling confused and slightly crazy like we had imagined the whole thing.
At least that time I had a witness.
So we go in yesterday. I wasn't really nervous...I'm kind of back into the "let's deal with this" zone instead of the "feel sorry for myself all the time" zone. Harper's oxygen saturation was 100%, she has gained 5 more ounces since last week, and she's looking good. Dr. Robinson comes in to do the echo cardiogram, does it, and then says, "She looks good. She looks happy." (He's always talking about how happy she looks and I want to say, "yeah,, but what about her heart...that's kind of why we're here").
And I was like, "So...(not even knowing how to finish a question I hadn't even started) what are you thinking now about surgery?"
And he said, "Surgery?"
I wanted to scream, "Remember, the surgery you told me she would need last time we came? The time I could barely hold myself together to pay my copay and get out the door at which point I fell apart in my car, picturing my baby going through that again? Six long weeks ago...the six weeks that I've been counting down to come back and check on her? The nights I've cried myself to sleep? The whole conversation about me taking her home and loving her and letting you worry about her heart?"
But I didn't. I just kind of stood there...speechless....feeling like a complete lunatic. I was so confused, trying to make sense of it in my mind. Had I dreamed the whole thing?
And then it hit me....as much as I feel like a lunatic and whatever alternate universe we were in last visit...he is telling me that Harper won't have to have another surgery. (He did leave a small window of possibility open, but made it seem very unlikely). And as crazy and embarrassed and confused as I feel, so very much more, I feel grateful and relieved.
All I can figure is...whatever it is that he saw last time, whatever had him so concerned...he didn't see it this time. And that...is a God thing.
Now I know what you're thinking, "there goes that Amy Grigsby trying to get attention again, blowing things out of proportion." Which is why I wish so very, very badly that someone would have been with me last time. I keep telling Dustin, "Dustin, I promise..." and he just says, "Amy, I totally believe you." Because let's be honest, he doesn't have much of a choice, for regardless of what he really believes, he is required to take my side. For five months now, I have had three children under the age of three and more stress than I was made to endure....I DON'T NEED HELP FEELING CRAZY!
Whatev. I'm okay with being a complete lunatic if it means sweet Popper doesn't have to go through heart surgery again. I'm elated, I'm relieved, and I'm praising God for whatever it is He did to Harper's heart.
Side note: there are some developmental things that Dr. Robinson is concerned about. More than likely, they are related to the heart surgery, but he definitely wants to make sure in the off chance that it is an independent issue, so Harper is scheduled for an MRI the first week in October. I thought it was something we could just skip across the street to the hospital for like an x-ray or blood work, but it turns out she has to be admitted and not eat for 6 hours and all that mess...you'd think I wouldn't still be so naive about medical things.
Side Side Note: So, our eccentric doctor's ways have raised some concerns about if Harper is really in the best hands or not. As crazy as I feel at times, I have nothing but complete confidence in Dr. Robinson. As much bitterness as I have for anyone that makes me feel so incredibly nutso, I have so much more love and respect for him and there hasn't been a single minute that I've questioned his abilities. I have to remember that Harper isn't his only patient....that he's seen hundreds of kids since our last visit....and that he can only base his decisions and outlook each time on what he sees at the time. I don't think he misdiagnosed her last time. I don't think he was wrong or confused. I think that a lot of people have been praying for Harper and now we are able to see very clearly our answered prayers.
No pictures this time because I can't find the blasted camera anywhere. If you saw my house you'd understand. I could lose an elephant in here right now.
Go ahead...leave me lots of comments telling me how dilusional I am. I can take it.