We're home now and yesterday was really tough. I am really struggling to find the fighter within me. When we first heard that Eli and Landon might face a lot of struggles and might not even make it, I cried. I sobbed really hard for about one day and then I was ready to do whatever it took to take care of them the best I could. It's just different this time. I cry...and then I cry some more...and then I keep crying...and then I can't stop crying. I am just really, really sad.
I'm sad for this little girl. I'm sad for what she is going to have to go through the first days, weeks, and years of her life. I'm sad for what she could possibly face on down the road.
I'm sad for Eli and Landon. Their world is going to be turned upside down and there are going to be days and weeks and possibly months that I won't get to kiss them every single day and make sure they have the happy, carefree life that they deserve.
I'm sad for Dustin who has to deal with everything that I'm dealing with, still go to work every day, and come home to a crazy emotional wife who can't seem to keep it together for any amount of time at all. He is such a good man. He's strong and quiet and tender-hearted and there is nothing he loves more than his children. This is just as heart-breaking for him as it is me.
I'm sad for our parents. They are not only just as worried as we are about the uncertain days ahead with their precious grandchild, but they are also watching their children as we hurt so very deeply. I can say from my limited experience that there is no pain like watching your child struggle.
And I would be lying if I said that I wasn't sad for myself as well. I'm disappointed. I'm broken-hearted. I'm swinging on this crazy pendulum between hope and despair. I'm throwing myself a really big pity-party and I'm only slightly embarrassed about it. I'm sad because this is happening to our little girl and there's nothing we can do about it...except pray.
And we've certainly been doing a lot of that. We pray and we ask others to pray because God cares and prayer works. I can't imagine how lost I would be without that knowledge...it brings me such peace in my saddest moments.
We go back to the doctor on Thursday. We visit my OB/GYN first, then we meet with a pediatric cardiologist, and then we go to Dr. Atkinson (the high risk doctor). We should know a lot more after these visits. We've been writing down our questions for the last week. I'm anxious to get answers, but I'm also a little scared of the answers we'll get. I'm hoping that starting our plan of action on Thursday will be just what I need for a little push in the right direction. Hopefully it will give me something positive to focus on and I'll be able to move on from the way I feel now.
"Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." -Psalm 55:22
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:28-31
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3 comments:
Dear Amy & Dustin my heart aches badly for you both since the first time I read yr blog, joined as your Follower and now reading this post. Be strong both of you, you both have cast your troubles at the feet of the Lord, I hv read it b4 once we have done same, we leave it to HIM to guide us. I have 2 things to ask of you before you go for the Thursday appt, go to You Tube hear all the inspirational hymns esp, "Do not be afraid" as when I was going through my own fears before I want for a surgery, my best fren bought a Christian tape for me and this song in that tape brought me peace and acceptance of the Will of the Lord, it gave me the strength to face the Surgery with my beloved husband and daughters constantly at my side and then goggle/bing on "the Footprints of our Lord" read it, reflect on it and just let Our Lord lead the way. You both have been/are constantly in my prayers when I am in Church or at home and I have just lit a candle and prayed for you both and your sweet little daughter. Accept the Will of the Lord and leave the rest to HIM dear to enable HIM to do what is best for you both and the little girl. I am from Malaysia, a Catholic, from the other end of the earth but brought closer to you via blogsphire, praying for you both and there is Nothing More Powerful than the Prayers of all of us who read your blog. God bless. Ophelia
Hi,
I'm a new mama to twins and ran across your blog while looking for "twin mama blogs." Thought you might be interested to read this blog-this mama of toddler twin boys has gone through what you're just starting. One of her little boys was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome and her blog tells what they went through and how he's doing today-and he's doing great!
http://keeleyandryan.blogspot.com/2008/07/update-and-names.html
Merry Christmas!
Oh Amy. I really do feel for you and hate that you have to go through this. I just know God has great plans for you and Dustin and I know if anybody can get through this it is you guys. We are here if you need anything. We keep ya'll in our prayers everyday and wish the best. Good Luck at your doctors appoitments. We will continue to pray and hope for good news. Take Care.
Ashley
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