I might have considered myself an optimist at one point in time...and to a certain extent I guess I still am.
Somewhere along the way though, I realized that pessimists seem to suffer less disappointment. When you always expect the worst, there isn't much room for disappointment.
But that's really not who I want to be.
So I guess I would put myself somewhere in the middle now. I want to be optimistic, but because I have to fight those pessimistic thoughts, I end up somewhere in between....possibly realistic. Sometimes I fear that my lack of optimism really translates into a lack of faith and it scares me that I have to try to much harder now to hope for the best. It's becoming all to common to just expect the worst.
In any case...I was prepared for today.
Harper has grown, but only marginally. She is below the 5th percentile and they no longer can even pinpoint just how low on the growth curve she really is. It's hard to want something so badly and have absolutely no control over attaining it. I want my body to give Harper everything she needs, but other than eating well and taking vitamins, it's really out of my control. And for whatever reason...I'm just no good at growing babies.
The problem is that we really need Harper's lungs to be mature before she's born. Immature lungs combined with a heart problem is a recipe for disaster. So Dr. Atkinson allowed me to come home today, but Covenant Lakeside will be expecting my arrival at 10 a.m. Saturday morning and I'll be admitted for an undetermined amount of time. I will have an amniocentesis on Saturday to measure just how developed Harper's lungs are. Based on these results, Dr. Atkinson will know exactly where her lungs are right now and exactly how much more time she needs inside for them to be fully mature. Once we have that information, my team of doctors will decide whether to go ahead and deliver Harper so she can start growing outside of me or whether to let her develop a little longer inside of me.
If her lungs still need quite a bit more time, they may allow me to come home until we know she's ready for delivery. We'll know more of a plan on Saturday.
So I came home to my sweet, little boys and I'm so thankful I have a little time to hold them tight before our lives get a little crazy. So if you need me the next 24 hours or so, I'll be right here soaking up all of the hugs, kisses, and laughter I can with two of the funniest, most handsome, and sweetest little boys there ever were.
As always, we appreciate your love, concern, and prayers for our family. I have faith that no matter what the next few days and weeks hold for our family, God is already there and in control. He will certainly see us through.