Another sleepless night last night left me even more anxious and exhausted than I was yesterday. When the sun finally started coming up, I didn't know if I was ready to face whatever today held, but so ready to get it over with at the same time. We were told it would be this afternoon before we heard anything about Harper's test results, so we got showers, had breakfast, and laid around for a couple of hours.
And as has been my struggle through every step of this journey so far, I tried my hardest to hope and pray and expect the best, but at the same time, prepare myself for any news we may get. It seemed so likely to me that something could be wrong with Harper. Something bigger. Something lifelong. Something unfixable. I mean...there has to be a reason that everything looks normal, but yet she's not growing.
I've been praying about this for a long time. I beg and plead with God to let our baby girl be as healthy as possible...to let her be as normal as possible...to let her have as full of a life as possible. But I always end up feeling guilty for my requests...like whatever God has in store for us isn't "good enough" for me...like I won't appreciate the blessings of this child no matter how she comes to us...like I'm selfish for wanting her to be "normal."
I know the truth. I know we will love and adore and cherish her no matter what. I know she will be a blessing in our lives no matter what. And I know that God knows our hearts and our minds and for me to worry about being "misunderstood" by Him is such a silly thing.
The results were back this morning and everything looks normal on the preliminary report. There will be a full report available early next week, but all indications are that Harper is totally and completely normal as far as her chromosomes are concerned.
We found out in the middle of a sonogram and I tried to hold myself together until we could get back to our room. And then I cried. Tears of relief. Tears of thanksgiving. Tears of happiness that Harper won’t have to face any more struggles than she is already up against. We are so, so relieved.
We still have a lot to get through. We have to make it a couple more weeks. We have to get her here. We have to see how her heart functions on its own. We have to see if her Tricuspid valve has grown. We have to see if the hole in her heart hasn’t grown. We have to get through her first minutes, hours, and days. And we have to make it through a heart surgery. But I feel so much more ready for these days ahead with a little uncertainty out of the way…with a little reassurance that whatever problems she may have right now are fixable.
So after the test results, a sonogram, a non-stress test, full blood work, and meeting with each of my doctors, we were discharged from the hospital around 2:00. Now that we have ruled out a chromosome abnormality as the cause of the growth problems, it pretty much leaves one culprit…a lousy placenta. Dr. Killeen explained it like this: because she’s not growing, she’s obviously under some “stress.” But because all of the monitoring that we’ve been doing looks so good, she’s not in “distress.” The problem is that stress leads to distress and we need to be extra vigilant to watch for signs of that. He actually wasn’t a fan of sending me home from the hospital. They have me coming back this Saturday for a non-stress test and another sonogram and as long as things continue to look good for Harper, we are planning on delivering end of March/first of April.
In the meantime, I am going to take it really easy and try to give Harper a calm and stress-free couple of weeks to grow as much as possible. I will be so thrilled if we can make it to April (although I’m terribly anxious to meet this girl).
Thank you for your prayers. It is an indescribable feeling to know so many people love us so much that they have been in constant prayer for our family. It brings a comfort that nothing else possibly could.
We praise God for our good news today!